Det som skaver

Att leva ett liv utan skav, det är inte möjligt. Det skaver ständigt någonstans, i mitt hjärta, under foten, i handen, tanken.

Jag önskar jag hade plåster att sätta på, att få slut på skavet, men det går inte, vissa skav får en lära sig leva med. 

Chasing or to be chased

The bar was what it was, full of people, bodies pressed against each other and eyes glancing at each other. She found him and she talked to him, she laughed and he laughed, they glanced at each other, and the deal was sealed.
She took him in, and he took her in.

And it was over before it began.

Sweeter than wine

I asked for nothing or maybe I asked for everything, I don't know what is most true.

min soldat

Han var min soldat, vi var tillsammans och sedan var vi det inte längre. Vi pratade om allt, utom det som egentligen betydde någonting.

Kontorstid

Häromkvällen låg jag på soffan, en varm kropp lutad mot min, mina händer i hans hår.
Det bästa som fanns var att hoppa fallskärm sa han till mig och jag frågade varför.
Det är känslan, den går inte att förklara, lika lite som känslan av att vara kär. Men jag kan förklara hur det känns att vara kär, svarade jag.
Gör det nu då sa han till mig, jag vred min kropp och sa, rätade ut mina ben och lät mina fingrar förstrött massera hans nacke. Inte nu svarade jag, inte nu, men jag ska sätta mig ner och göra det senare.
Så nu sitter jag på ett kallt kontor i en förort, med kontorets diskmaskin arbetande i bakgrunden och mina tangenters hårda ljud som enda sällskap. Och jag tänker, kan jag verkligen det, beskriva känslan av att vara kär.

Om hur ett andetag kan kännas svårt och förhoppningen om att telefonen i fickan skall vibrera, att ett meddelande skall lysa upp skärmen. Om att pendla mellan förhoppning och misär, att inte riktigt veta vad jag ska säga att inte riktigt veta vad som kommer att följa. Om att vakna med den varma kroppen tätt intill och känna sig trygg men lika fort känna sig tom när den är borta. Omatt gripa efter halmstrån som inte finns. Jag vet inte, kanske jag ljög den där kvällen på soffan med mina händer på hans kropp. 

Det är natt utanför, en varm kropp ligger och sover i rummet intill, jag är inte trött, men jag längtar tillbaka till sängen. Men jag är törstig och jag sätter på kranen och låter vattnet rinna ner i glaset som ajg precis tog ur skåpet.
Jag tänker på det ibland, all den lyx vi omgärdar oss med, hur tacksamma vi borde vara för det rena vattnet vi har, för maten, för bristen av oro.
I natten ligger en oro över hela staden, men när jag vaknade i morse var USAs missiler påväg mot ett land som de inte förklarat krig mot och på eftermiddagen stal en människa en lasbil för att köra över dem som kom i hans väg.
Mitt i allt detta våld finns en tanke om att vi skall skapa en bättre värld. Mänskligheten har tappat tron många gånger, men de har aldrig tappat tron på att lite mer våld skall göra världen till en bättre plats.
Jag dricker upp mitt vatten, och han ropar på mig från det andra rummet, undrar vart jag tog vägen. Jag kommer säger jag, dricker upp vattnet och tassar tillbaka, han kysser mig och säger att han saknat mig när jag kryper ner bredvid honom och somnar.

I natt är jag trygg.

Somedays are just not like other days, those are days when the sky falls down and we see the world for what it is. We walk around like zombies and think that we will live another day. We wait to live because we think that the next thing we encounter will be better than what we have.
Today I laid my arms around the sweetest guy I have ever met, and whispered that I loved him, so quiet I don’t think he heard me, because I didn’t want him to hear how weak I am. I thought I was stronger than this, and I am not. I want to be with him, because he is the best thing that has happened to me. And I am so scared and yet his arms around me calms me down.

I am leaving

The things I am leaving behind are the things I can't control.
I have asked you for it over and over.
I have forgiven you over an over.

I am sick and tired of it all.

I am sorry

I am sorry I cant hold onto you anymore, but you pushed me away enough, and I hope you find someone some day.

My North

I was born into the north, into the snow and darkness of January.
I know I am alive when I can see my breath. Every breath brings the cold in and the warmth out.
Tripple glassed windows keeping the warmth in and the cold out. Winter always brought me the best, in the winter I always thrived.
My grandma taught me to knit by the fire in the cold months, I rode the kick on the icy streets of the small village. I learned to ski on the lawn of my grandparents house and I ran and skated on the frozen water of the lake.

I always loved the smell of snow that is about to fall, a promise and the stillness, the quietness that becomes of the world when it falls.
I might be scared of the dark, but the winter is truly never dark. The winter hugs me gently, oh so gently, in the roughest kind of ways.

Dont feel sorry for me

Its an end of a saga, of a story without an end

A new start

It is sad to realize that you cant have the man you loved the most

Bu I have to walk away, because you hurt me

Over and over again

I want to be carried in strong arms

By someone that loves me

Another year has passed

They say things are supposed to get easier with time, I am not sure that is true.

I constantly come back to the same thing, that I have been in love with the same person for over three years now and I have to let go...

Letting go is not easy, it is not. But I have to make this decision because they don't want to fight for what we can have, they just don't want to fight for something that would be the best thing in their lives.

I cannot stay around and be a provider, an endless well of love, my well is running dry, I have to go.

I am sad and it is hard to walk away from something that you love, but you know it will be for the better.  Ican't carry the love on for both of us.

She stood on the top of the building, her mind was searing, her thoughts scattered. She had a feeling like she had lost something, something that was really dear to her. She let her body slump down against the chimney, she was very aware of how she got there, she had climbed the ladder that was on the side of the building. She was scared of heights, but she was driven by a force inside of her, to get away.

The buzzing of the city, that she was in the middle of, did her little good, she could appreciate the city for what it was but she could never all it home. It was a place, but not a home. 

The sun was rising and she felt how her face was slowly thawing, how the tears that were frozen in her eyes where slowly running down her face.

 She felt tired, she was tired of running, she wanted to go back to bed, to the warm man that was sleeping inside. Let her limbs relax and feel that tranquility she always felt next to him.  Feel his arms wrap around her, the softness of his skin, drawing her closer, that visceral feeling that she was safe, that she could stay. His hands softness against her skin and his breath against her neck. Sometimes she would wake up in the middle of the night and look at him, turn her face against his. Just wait for the sleep to catch up with her while wondering if he knew how she felt, and sometimes she thought he did. Sometimes she almost had let the words slide out, she once did, but maybe he was too drunk to remember, or he choose to never mention it.

But she couldn’t, because he wasn’t alone, someone else was in his bed, sleeping next to him, her arms wrapped around him, their naked bodies emptied out.  A condom wrapper on the floor.

Her thoughts interrupted by a car honking. The sun now flowing over the city that was waking up, she gazed towards the horizon, and she thought she could see mountains, calling for her in the distance. She took a deep breath, it was time to leave, she climbed down, walked into the room, quietly, took her backpack. Looked at the sleeping man wrapped up in his own dreams.

She put her boots on and started walking, the mountains had been calling for too long now and she sort of knew the way. 

The landscape around her changed, the mountains rolled around her, and the glaicers glimmered at the horizon. She set down camp by a lake, resting her head on the roots of the knotted roots of birches, breathing in the scent of moss and campfire. If it was late she couldn't tell, the sun was still far from setting. She fell asleep, and when she woke up, she was wrapped in his arms, and his hand rested on her hand.

His eyes met hers, and he just simply said. "I missed you" and she fell asleep again.

words: Searing, tranquility, visceral

Situation: having never lost more

She stood on the top of the building, her mind was searing, her thoughts scattered. She had a feeling like she had lost something, something that was really dear to her. She let her body slump down against the chimney, she was very aware of how she got there, she had climbed the ladder that was on the side of the building. She was scared of heights, but she was driven by a force inside of her, to get away.

The buzzing of the city, that she was in the middle of, did her little good, she could appreciate the city for what it was but she could never call it home.

The sun was rising and she felt how her face was slowly thawing, how the tears that were frozen in her eyes where slowly running down her face.

 She felt tired, she was tired of running, she wanted to go back to bed, to the warm man that was sleeping inside. Let her limbs relax and feel that tranquility she always felt next to him.  Feel his arms wrap around her, the softness of his skin, drawing her closer, that visceral feeling that she was safe, that she could stay. His hands softness against her skin and his breath against her neck.

But she couldn’t, because he wasn’t alone, someone else was in his bed, sleeping next to him, her arms wrapped around him, their naked bodies emptied out. A condom wrapper on the floor.

So she climbed down, walked into her garden, let her feet sink into the soft cold soil and turned her face towards the sun.

Later that day when he watered the garden he saw that the sunflowers had wilted.

I don't know

Acctually written late december 2015

I can honestly say I don't know where we are going, I don't know how many times i have told you how I feel about you. I want to be with you. There have not been anyone else since I met you that have made me feel the way I feel about you. There been short romances, short hot feelings that left me pretty cold.

It soon has to come to an end, it have hurt me from the inside out, but I haven't been able to give up.
The way I feel when I sleep with your arms around me, the way I feel when you smile at me, the way I feel when you look at me, the way I feel when you hold my hand. Those feelings chase all that away.

Still I don't trust you, not yet, I don't trust you and it sucks, I just can't trust you. I used to really trust you. You told me you would be there for me when I needed you. You left me when I needed you the most, you ran into other arms, but can I blame you. I can blame that she used it to pierce my heart, to leave me bleeding on the ground and you did nothing. That I blame you for. I blame you for not telling me about it. I blame you for not keeping me safe.

My friends, even your friends have told me to let go, that I am just hurting myself, that you are to emotionally unavailable, that you are just stringing me along. That you like the attention, that you like having me, but not having me. And they are probably all right. Still I have this lingering feeling that it would be the mistake of my life and I would spend the rest of my life regretting it.

I was the safest in your arms. We never had the opportunity to really be who we are, even if we did. The city diminish us, it stresses us out, it shrinks me from running wild on the fields. To roll a round in the snow. I am so attracted to you, I've spent countless nights next to you, feeling how my blood running hot for you. Not wanting anything but to kiss you. Maybe I should have, but I had settled for being your friend, becasue I could not bear the thought of loosing you. Ever...

 I know I am bad at asking for things, you told me to ask, and you promised and you didn't deliver. I tried not to ask for things, becasue I wanted you to want to do things for me. Not because I asked you, I wanted for you to miss me, not just repeat it back to me like a parrot.
 I will see you in a month, it makes me happy and gives me a feeling that I want to throw up.

We all have those fantasies about walking into each others arms, to meet at the airport and see each other with tears. It's what happens in movies... and hey, you are in movies...  I don't think we will, I am pretty sure that it will be an awkward moment of "should we kiss, should we hug or what should we do". I don't think we have any clue what we are to each other.

And to be honest I am not even sure I know, I want you to be with me, and I want you to touch me, I want to sleep next to you and I want you to be so close to me that your heart beats with mine. I want to kiss you and then look into you eyes, and feel the shivers of pleasure it sends down my spine. I want to dress up and look pretty for you and I want to roll around in the snow with you. I want to garden and have you quietly watch me. I want to lay and in bed and just listen to you work. I wanna go camping and be naked in a tent with you. I wanna go skiiing and compete. I wanna snowboard and show off... I want to share adventures and times with you.

Will it happen? I dont know! I dont know at all!

Trust

I want to trust you
for you to be my knight in shining armour...
Please help me with this one, please be mine.
Stand up for me, fight for me.

I didnt ask for this

I don't know if we ever ask for anything
You are always on my mind, just a little bit

I don't know, I can't let you go, I told you I would.
And you pulled med back in... again and again.

I want to talk to you, and only you.

YOU are the one I love, and I don't love easily.
Since that first time I stod in that garden and I looked into your eyes.
I can't let you go, and you can't let me go.

If you don't want this, please let me go... because I will be waiting the rest of my life if you don't say it's over. I know I should regain control, stay on top of it all. But I can't, maybe I don't want to, but you are to precious to me, you are to much in my heart.

I am a fool

I kow I am

I cant give up on you
Maybe soon, so soon

One day the thought of you will drift away

A letter better not sent

It's like mourning a loss that was never a loss because it never happened, but we both wanted it.
The grief of memories never created and my own thoughts ripped apart by reality. I always hoped that if you wanted something enough, it would happen, and it was so close that I could taste it. 
Once upon a time there was a movie called Reality Bites, and when it came out, I never got the word play, my English wasn't good enough. I hope it's a word play, or I'm probably sounding stupid now.
But the bits of reality bites, and the nights are still dark, but summer comes with the never setting sun, and I wanted that to shine, on you and me.
 And I think about last year, when I almost told you, and I didn't dare, or months before that when I cried into a salad and didn't tell you, or when I tried to kiss you and you asked me why, and I didn't tell you, I played it off. You must have known, didnt you? I almost spoke the words that time when I woke up with your arms around me, and I didn't tell you,nor that time when you asked me to stay with you, and I did. Or those two weeks in May when I didn't stay with you because I knew I didn't dare to tell you and I was scared to get hurt.  And now reality just bites, because I knew that day I walked into your place and that girl was there, that it was to late.
 I was gonna tell you on that trip, that weekend, I had planned it out. I could tell you had already slept together, she owned you, circled around you, and you invited her to come. Your roommate hugged me.  And you posed in photos with her, made her bed and I cried into my beer and it was awkward.
And I told you, and you let a month pass, and I waited and then said yes, and then you didn't wanna fight, you ran back to that girl, because it was easy. And it bites, bits and pieces bites, so hard right then. She told me and I cried into a field and you didnt talk to me. You told me you always be there for me if I really needed you. You said she meant nothing, that I was so much better. I hate hate hate that I can't sleep because I'm thinking of you and that so delightful plastic doll that I know you like more than you will ever tell me. Smiling so perfect, doing the same things as you, being able to be and go wherever you go. I can't even hate her because she's your friend, and she's a mean girl, she will wrap all the guys around her fingers, and that first time I met her, on my hometurf, I had already lost.
But at least I put up a fight, I finally told you... and I know it is not only her, it is you who didnt choose me, and it is you who decided to roadtrip with her instead of seeing me. You tell me you just don't have the time and I understand, and I still dream of a miracle, that you will wake up, and see what we could be. At least to try, if we fail we know we have failed.
Now it is just you and me, friends on fire in a vacuum that kills me.