The struggle continues...

So finally the verdict is coming closer, I have ADHD, it's probably not a suprise to anyone... I am unfixable?  I was manufactured wrong, and will never be like everyone else, I am just not normal. 

Today I fell in Love with Jens Lekman

I don't know him, so I can't really fall in love with him. It be a lie to say I fell in love with him, but maybe the music he makes, and the lyrics he writes. He's quite amazing.

Read and listen to my dream guy....

Another night in NYC with thoughts to London

Like so many other nights, I'm letting the train take me to another part of the city, stop after stop are passing. I'm on my way back out to Brooklyn, where o seem to belong, expensive wine buzzing in my blood. I wonder if this is what I want. I'm going back to another bed, not my bed, but a bed and a body that will try to fill that hole that is me. I know it's never going to last, if I don't leave him he will leave me. When he looks into my eyes and see that I'm a human he will flee, I'm still a novalty, something different. I look at the bearded man next to me, he's holding his fixie bike, and I think that maybe I should get a bike, but i know thats not going to happen. I'm nothing special, everyone love to talk about me, but only me know who I am and the things I've done.

 Once upon a time a guy at a bar in London called me "an Angel" right before he asked me to follow him into the bathroom for a line of coke. I remember laughing at him and then spending the rest of the night keepin an eye on my sister who was making out with some dude who talked about his girl. How she got blafriend so dearly a few hours earlier 

I kep on keeping and eye on her while we joined the guys for the afterparty and she "snogged" along with the dude and I outdrank his roommates  and the dudes jelous girlfriend showed up and yelled at us all and  I had to call one of those odd London cabs.

staying alive for what?

My hands tremble, I close my eyes and I see nothing, because my eyes are shut. I hear the distant buzz of the city, the city I am stuck in, waist deep in the city, I cling to dreams built on dreams. Splinters and small fractions of broken dreams and hopes that no one ever lived up to. I lay in the grass and I feel my chest heave up and down, oxygen and exhaust fill my lungs. 
I'm alive,
 I know I'm alive. 
I don't know if I want to be alive, but there is no choice, the world wants me alive.
I open my eyes and stare up at the smog.

maybe morbid?

I think about death, lack of life and how I would stop to live. 
How red blood and the pain would pump out from my veins and cover the floor around me.

I would be a beautiful corpse.

 Blond hair and pale skin, my eyes wide open, glazed over staring into that nothingness that is the lack of afterlife. Naked body resting in the pool of blood, red against a grey concrete.
Wishing for death is selfish. But I don't care, because what eats me from the inside is selfish.

and so it is

I saw him enter the room, just vaugley, he was someone, I didnt know that when I stopped him, made him get his own beer. He made me laugh and that is sometimes all you need, maybe that is what you need at all times.

The city swirls

I am just one of many in this city, I live among them all, I have no cause and no purpose and I walk the streets and people walk by my side but they never see me. I walk like the ghost of a person I am. I follow someone into a bar, I sit next to them, see how they order a drink, how their lips get wet when they drink it. How their eyes widen in the sudden shock of alcohol from the shot that pours down the throat. I just sit there and study. Today I watch this one strager who seem to drown her sorrows, it takes five shots and five beers before she turns to me. She looks past me, her eyes look at me but don't see me. Her eyes wanders and I wonder who she is, and she stands up and leaves the bar, and I stay and order and waits for someone new to sit on the chair she just left empty.