Fading

By the Baltic Sea

The pain of missing you

It has been a year, a year of time that just passes, a year of you and me. I've danced around you, you have to want me, I can't make your mind up. I can hurt because you don't choose me, I can miss you and I can cry because I am not to you what you are to me.
I do want your hapiness, I don't want to own you. I want you to love me, to have me marked down as important. To take time for me, and I am not sure if that will ever happen.
I got in trouble, and I needed you, and I found myself suprisingly lonley, with people that I did not expect.

I love you, I have loved you since I don't even know when. I am loyal to you and you are always the first person on my mind,

I am hurting, I miss you and you ignore me. I get desperate and it doesn't really do me any good. So I will have to tuck you away. I am not throwing you away, I love you too muvh for that, everyone says I deserve better, but I just bluntly love you. Everything about you, even the things that frustrate me more than anything.

When you wrap your arms around me and hold my hand in your sleep, I feel more secure than anywhere else. I sleep the best next to you.

I am making you something, and when it is done, I will send it to you, and that's my goodbye. It's my final "I can't live like this"

Making a decision

I am going to be sober for a while, no more beers, no more of it all

it has almost been a year

It has almost been a year since I kissed you the first time. And I still don't want to do anything but kiss you. I miss your scent and I miss you next to me, I miss your touch and how you hold me in the night. 

the past is now

So you always strive for something different, your goals are clear but clouded by feelings. You put a hand out and you wonder if this is really what you wanted.

Spotify is spitting out the music you listened to when you were young, idealistic music. Music that told you that it was ok to be mad, it was ok because you would be able to change it all when you grew older.

Now I am older and nothing has changed, we still face the same problems, 

kiss me

She woke up next to him, she ran her fingers through his hair , and he kept on sleeping She loved him, the feeling of loving him filled her. She inched closer, put her nose against his narrow neck. The faint scent of skin and detergent lingering filled her nostrils. The scent of him always made her feel safe. He always slept completely still. He had that in him since the Marines. He had been in the Special Forces and she still did not understand what that really meant, it was before they met. She had such a hard time to imagine how he could have carried a gun, shot a gun and been ready to kill. She knew it made it hard for him to love, hard for him to trust, but his loyalty was total. Semper Fi, he would say to her. She once had joked about getting water boarded and the horror of it, he had shrugged and told her it wasn’t too bad. His anger never scared her, she knew he would never hurt anyone that didn’t deserve it. She could see how he would clench his jaws, his blue eyes turn dark, how he was fighting an inner rage. There was so kept inside him, and it pained her to know there was nothing she could do to unknot  him. She wanted to kiss him, but he wouldn’t let her. All she did was sleep close to him and love him as much as she could. She hated the war that had turned him into this. The war he never had to fight, but still formed him into cold emotions that refused her every day since they met.

She fell asleep again.