When the past haunts you

Alcohol has damaged me in so many ways, and I still drink.

I don't do drugs, not anymore, and they never did much for me anyway.

I grew up with a hole in my heart, falling apart inside.

I never told anyone, because I could always smile, I could be a smart ass and I could bounce back from anything. I

I was impulsive and I think why I loved T so much, was because she saved me from myself so many times.

And that is probably why I care for Alaska so much, he saves me from myself and I want to become better for him.

I know that so many times I just said FUCK it and threw myself to the wolves, I hoped for someone to come to my rescue, no one ever did. Because I had the perfect cover... I was my own perfect cover, and I trusted no one.

 I didn't deserve anything. Because I was already damaged.

That thorn you planted in my heart

Damn you, how can you chose her over me?
I am wasting away here, for you.

Fall of the falling

In the North the fall comes with a few days of warning, and the winds bear with them a message of colder times.

 A change for something suited for cobblestone and icy winters comes along.

The fall has an air of promises of dark nights in the arms of comfort and loving words.

 Still that summer will leave you, in the last rays of the sun.

They will tell you that they have matters elsewhere and walk out of your life.

You will be left sitting in a Cafe staring into rain and falling leaves.

Your dreams and hopes just fell into the fall, and your tears are just like the rain on the window.

The fall is complete.

Holding your breath

The sun is raising over the frozen landscape that is flying by outside my train window.
This is my world.
The darkness of the winter is chased away by the bleak morning sun.
This is your world.
We are still heading towards darker times, and I miss your touch.

Growing pains...

I don't really know what it means to "grow up",
I have a part-time job, I own an apartment, I've been to over 34 countries and I speak three languages. 
I read graphic novels and I have a degree in Political Science. 
I compost and love gardening, I love to ski, snowboard and hike. 
I sit around in my apartment, for days, just to do art and paint furniture. 
I spend lots of time coaching and playing a sport that has no money in it. 
I just signed up for a trail-run race,even if I hate running, but I like a challenge. 
All my best friends are couples and I cook dinners for friends.
In January I'm taking a practical class in winter camping in the mountains, because I wanna know more. I am learning to bake vegan and gluten-free, so I can bake for my friends. I am just as social as I have ever been, always on the go, but sometimes I hate people. 
I write short stories and I have random projects with different people. I don't have a husband nor any children... I did fall in love, and I think it is it, but hes begs to differ so I guess not.

Am I a big kid or am I a grown up?

I saw a church today

Today I walked from training to see a friend at her house in a different part of town. I passed this church, and it reminded me about an event me and a friend arranged 20 years ago. She introduced me to the riot girls movement, and we read zines that got from someone that got the from someone. We read about this event "We take the night back". And we decided to "take the night back", to have a rally against violence against women. I used the copy machine at my moms work and did the fliers. Me and my friend went around and placed those at cafes we knew had people with opinions like ours. People we knew existed, but didn't really know. We were sort of shy. We called ourselves the "Black widows"... well, at least that we signed our fliers with, I think we thought it sounded cool, the black widow eating the male after sex... I don't think either of us really thought that anyone would show up, of course we were hoping but we weren't really expecting it.
A week later, on the date we had decided on we are standing on an square in Old Town, and people are showing up. Not just four or five, no more like 40-50... And I look at my friend, and she looks at me... And people are starting to ask each other, who are the people behind this? I am 15 and shy. So my friend steps up on a bench, wearing black, black jeans, black hoodie and calls for action. We say things like "let's take the night back" "Women should not be afraid" "We are not scared" "Those are OUR streets". And we all start walking down the street, yelling and chanting. It's powerful, me and my friend are both glowing, because we feel the power of a cause, of daring to stand up for what we believe in and feeling that there are others that share what we feel, and we are with them. We made this happen! Why I thought about this when I saw this church? Because this is where we got rounded up by the police in the end. We didn't get arrested, I guess the police didn't think two teenage girls could have organized it... I do think that maybe the police took a few guys in for questioning. Next day there was a small text about it in the national newspaper... I saved it..

You will always be a part of my heart

it is true
you will always be a part

you can say whatever you want

but you did not want to

it is about priorities

and I was not yours

I wish you just would have told me

I wish you just would not have hidden

Cannot sleep

I miss sleeping next to you and I miss our conversations

I miss your arms around me, and I miss who we are together

I miss myself in my garden, with you looking and smiling at me

I still love you

A small fire, that will always burn for you
I will hope and wait to the end of times

Fading

By the Baltic Sea

The pain of missing you

It has been a year, a year of time that just passes, a year of you and me. I've danced around you, you have to want me, I can't make your mind up. I can hurt because you don't choose me, I can miss you and I can cry because I am not to you what you are to me.
I do want your hapiness, I don't want to own you. I want you to love me, to have me marked down as important. To take time for me, and I am not sure if that will ever happen.
I got in trouble, and I needed you, and I found myself suprisingly lonley, with people that I did not expect.

I love you, I have loved you since I don't even know when. I am loyal to you and you are always the first person on my mind,

I am hurting, I miss you and you ignore me. I get desperate and it doesn't really do me any good. So I will have to tuck you away. I am not throwing you away, I love you too muvh for that, everyone says I deserve better, but I just bluntly love you. Everything about you, even the things that frustrate me more than anything.

When you wrap your arms around me and hold my hand in your sleep, I feel more secure than anywhere else. I sleep the best next to you.

I am making you something, and when it is done, I will send it to you, and that's my goodbye. It's my final "I can't live like this"

Making a decision

I am going to be sober for a while, no more beers, no more of it all

it has almost been a year

It has almost been a year since I kissed you the first time. And I still don't want to do anything but kiss you. I miss your scent and I miss you next to me, I miss your touch and how you hold me in the night. 

the past is now

So you always strive for something different, your goals are clear but clouded by feelings. You put a hand out and you wonder if this is really what you wanted.

Spotify is spitting out the music you listened to when you were young, idealistic music. Music that told you that it was ok to be mad, it was ok because you would be able to change it all when you grew older.

Now I am older and nothing has changed, we still face the same problems, 

kiss me

She woke up next to him, she ran her fingers through his hair , and he kept on sleeping She loved him, the feeling of loving him filled her. She inched closer, put her nose against his narrow neck. The faint scent of skin and detergent lingering filled her nostrils. The scent of him always made her feel safe. He always slept completely still. He had that in him since the Marines. He had been in the Special Forces and she still did not understand what that really meant, it was before they met. She had such a hard time to imagine how he could have carried a gun, shot a gun and been ready to kill. She knew it made it hard for him to love, hard for him to trust, but his loyalty was total. Semper Fi, he would say to her. She once had joked about getting water boarded and the horror of it, he had shrugged and told her it wasn’t too bad. His anger never scared her, she knew he would never hurt anyone that didn’t deserve it. She could see how he would clench his jaws, his blue eyes turn dark, how he was fighting an inner rage. There was so kept inside him, and it pained her to know there was nothing she could do to unknot  him. She wanted to kiss him, but he wouldn’t let her. All she did was sleep close to him and love him as much as she could. She hated the war that had turned him into this. The war he never had to fight, but still formed him into cold emotions that refused her every day since they met.

She fell asleep again.

the brother and the mother

         My sister is gone, that’s what my mother told me, I wasn’t really sure where she had gone, but she for sure has not come home yet, I think she’s dead. My mother doesn’t want to tell me, she thinks that I don’t know what death is. Of course I do, I watch TV, and I read books. Even the Bible, speaks about death, and she loves the Bible. I wonder if my mother thinks my sister went to heaven, she often told her she would go to hell. I am scared of God so I don’t know if I want to go to heaven. I haven’t left our house since mother told me my sister is gone and I am not planning on ever leaving. I can’t face the world without her, I can’t go to school without her, I just don’t want to. She’s older than me, four years to be exact, and still she was my best friend. She always made sure to cover for me, and she thought me to read and tried to show me how to play soccer. She was good at all sports, I sucked at all sports. I know that some of the other kids did bother me because of her, but it wasn’t the only reason. I wear thick glasses, I have skinny legs and I actually like books and math. She made sure the bullies kept away from me.

I didn’t cry when mother told me my sister was gone, I couldn’t because I didn’t really believe she was gone. I saw my sister just a few hours before, she was so happy, she was dressed nicely, she even borrowed a tie from me. She hated wearing dresses and she often told me she wish she was a boy, like me but I know she also liked being a girl. I am not a very good at being a boy, but she wasn’t very good at being a girl either. I think that our father often wish she was a boy, and my mother wish I was the girl, even if I know my mother wouldn’t have thoughts like that, because that would upset God.

I don’t know why my sister is gone and no one is telling me anything. The adults are whispering, I know there is something they are hiding, but I don’t know what. My mother is crying, even if she is trying to hide it, her eyes are red.  I miss my sister, she promised to always be here for me, and it makes me so mad that she left me.

I couldn’t really grasp the fact that Gracie was dead, at first I didn’t believe it was her. When the police came by the house I thought they had gotten the address wrong. I refused to think it was her, even if I knew that the jacket they had with them belonged to her. A stupid navy-blue blazer, something she gotten at the men’s department at HM, but there are so many HM’s, it could totally belong to someone else. I kept on telling myself it wasn’t hers. I just wouldn’t believe it, not until we had to identify the cold dead body in the morgue. She was beaten to death, her face discolored, she was missing a front tooth and the hair was darker than usual because of the dried up blood. I screamed when I saw her body, it felt unfair, but I wasn’t surprised. My husband just shook his head, and I saw tears in his eyes. I don’t know if he blamed himself for not raising her right, because I do.

I wish she just would have stopped being so stubborn, I don’t know why she decided to be so difficult.  She was such a pretty child, she had long dark hair that I used to braid, and I loved braiding that hair. I used to buy her all those cute dresses, she would come to church with me and hold my hand, she would look into my eyes and smile and I taught her all the prayers. I don’t know where we went wrong. 

The police call it a hate-crime. HATE CRIME!?

 I had her father beat her the first time I saw her kiss a girl, but I never wanted her to die. I just wanted her to stop making the wrong choices. I don’t know why she decided to be so cruel to her own family. I wanted her to stop dressing like a boy. She once told me “Mother, I am not trans, I like being a girl, I am just a LESBIAN, but damn, don’t I wish I was a boy sometimes so you would let me be with a girl”. I bought her nice clothes and she would just stuff the pink skirts under her bed and borrow something ill-fitting from her younger brother. I know she was a good sister, she cared for her brother. I don’t know how to tell an 11 year old that their sister was beaten to death by people twice her age. I don’t understand why she wanted to do this to our family, we loved her so much. What demons possessed her to do this? Sometimes I think God sent her to me as a test, testing my faith. It just makes me so mad that she did this to us. 

I am in control

I dont eat, not at all, I refuse to eat.
I am just not hungry.
I don't want the food.
Not now, not ever...

I just want to run away

Nothing is fair in the world, I have this feeling that I've failed everything
That the world is coming down crashing on me, that I can only get the second best. 

My city...

When I was born my city was different from what it is now, still it was very much the same. It lies between the salt and the sweet water and there is a lock in the middle of the city where you could look at boats crossing from the lake to the Baltic Sea. My parents had a boat, so I was never one of the people peering down on the boat people. I was always a person peering up when the water under us were going up or down, depending on if we were leaving or coming back to the city.
My city is islands and bridges, old and new buildings lining the water, the water is clean and as a young adult we would dance the night away (well until 3 am when the bars HAD to close) and then we would stumble into the lake. We would throw our clothes off and then throw our naked sweaty bodies into the lake in the light summer night. The cold water would clear our minds and prepare us for the walk back home, hand in hand. 

The summers of my city are short and light, the typical sign of being the in the North, so we celebrate the light. Intense summers fueling us to live through the dark winter that is only lit up by the heavy snow, that will cover the everything, cover the square castle where the king actually doesn’t live. Snow will cover our city hall, with its high tower topped with the three crowns that the rest of the world recognizes on our national hockey teams jerseys.  It’s dark, and when the snow doesn’t fall, the years it’s late and global warming has a grip on us, we are stuck in darkness that hoovers over us. We hide in our apartments away from the world, our white walled apartment’s furniture with IKEA staples and vintage eclectic style, maybe a wall of color, orchids in the bay windows and a large TV, a flat one. 

My city is green in the summer, it has parks and it is surrounded by pockets of forest and to the east the famous archipelago spreads out, reaching towards Finland. From the heart of the city white ferries leaves every day to take people out to the islands, the people without their own boats. Packed up with packed lunches and camping gear they head out from the city and return with the same boat, same day or another.
I love those islands; I and two French friends spent an epic day a few years back on one of those islands, a brother and a sister. It was a summer when my heart was sad and I held myself close to both of them, the brother held me in his arms and we ran along the shoreline, with the smell of kelp and it reminded me of my childhood. The granite rounded after the last ice age, it smelled of warm stone and noting but patches of grass grows right there next to the sea.  In the woods under the tall pine trees we found blueberries and our hands were stained purple and so were our mouths when we kissed.

How do you love somone so much?

I don't know how i love someone so much

Jay and Juanita

Jay and Juanita

They met in a whirlpool of feelings, it might have been drugs involved, maybe some cheap champagne, and most of all, they didn’t know better. He smiled at her, often, and she liked it, it made her feel important, he laughed at her jokes when they walked down the street. She never asked him any of the important questions, because she didn’t want him to get the answers right. When he asked her to marry him, she said yes, even if she wasn’t sure what his last name was. Did she care much, probably not, because if she cared, it might actually have been love, and she wasn’t sure if that was what she was looking for. She felt good in his arms, and she didn’t want to push her luck, so when he casually said “we should get married” she looked him right back in the eyes and said “YES”

As a child she had big thoughts  about how she wanted her wedding to be, she wanted the dress to be a dream, she wanted to be a princess. But now when she was about to walk down the aisle with that boy who smiled at her, it didn’t feel so important no more. What felt important was that he kissed her goodnight and ran his fingers through her hair. What was important was that he didn’t care when she cried over nothing. She didn’t care at all, so one day she woke up, covered in cheap pink champagne, her dress was pink, even if she could have sworn it was white the night before. She had a faint memory of Elvis, she looked at the ring on her finger. She wasn’t about to ask him where he had gotten it, she knew she might not like the answer. She looked at him sleeping, and giggled at all the single bills on the floor. Going to Vegas was so cliché, having Elvis officiating the ceremony even worse, well he had spoken only Korean, so she wasn’t 100% sure that they actually were married. Either way, her head hurt and Jay was sleeping next to her.

He loved the city, she could understand the love, she could also feel the heartbeat of the city, the promises that so many times turned into disappointments, the buzz of the city fascinated her and she chased the dragon in many ways before she met Jay.

Jay woke up before her, looked at her slender body in the champagne stained dress. He did know that she was probably not forever, he didn’t believe in eternity he didn’t believe in much to be fair. When he had ran into her at a café in SF a few weeks ago he was mesmerized, she laughed and talked and he couldn’t be anything but happy to just be close to her. He didn’t know much about her, except that sometimes she would cry in his arms, the first time it happened he thought he had done something wrong, and maybe he had. He never really understood why she cried, but she always seemed like she could return to herself, whatever that was, after crying in his arms. He had asked her to marry him when they were drunk in a bar, and to his surprise she had said yes. It all seemed so appropriate, to be together. The unexpected was so often the expected, his friends thought he was crazy, and he probably was. 

slowly I might get over it

maybe
maybe

I hate how I do this

I miss you, the closeness, the mornings

but it is for the best

how I live my life

I think at this point I've decided I want a partner, in my thought a partner is someone that I can share m life with, someone that is genuine and that I don't have to be attached to at all times... 

Only a text away

She is tired, so tired, all she wants is a nap, a long nice nap... 

She plays with her phone, shoots off texts for meaningless sex, sex she doesnt want but she wants. She is waiting for him to come back, the man she is sleeping with, but not sleeping with. He's out and she's in his bed, she woke up here. She waits for him, even if she knows it's okey to leave, but she wants him to come home, just so they can sit and watch TV together. Both doing something. She will walk around the kitchen, just to touch him, and he will smile at her, and his eyes will make her fall under his spell again. She's not sure that he knows or not how attracted she is to him, how she wants to push him against the wall and fuck hte living shit out of him.
She's not sure that he knows at all... so she lays there in his bed, and shoot of a few texts to others, potential sexpartners, nothing but sex. 

And then the effort makes her so tired, she falls back into the pillows, decides that she probably will watch some porn later and just get rid of that frustration all by herself. 

Being honest doesn't work

I don't know, what is honestly, I can't me honest when I don't even know what it is. My feelings, what do I really feel?

I don't know?

She comes back

She comes back, and she walks into his arms, the scent of his skin is like coming home. She smiles at him and he maybe smiles back. She knows she should be running, fast, away... now..

She will never be to him, what he is to her. She shakes the feeling of not being the right one off, she wants so much and she will end up with noting. 

In your arms I rest

I wake up in hte morning, you are so close to me, your breath against my neck, i want to kiss you, but I don't.
I don't know why, I don't know what we are doing together. I just want to be with you. I see you when you are mad, I see you when you are the most charming, I always see you. 

Fuck me for God Sake

She slides her arm around his body, he's skinny, but she feel safe with him and know he's stronger than he looks. She put her nose against his skin and the scent of him fills her , something about him draws her closer. She can feel his heart beat, the warmth from their bodies make their skin sticky, her throat tightens up and his hair tickles her nose.

 She wants to kiss him, but she knows she can't, it's just another steppingstone to trouble. So she lays next to the man she is quite sure she cares about more than she should. Their hands find each other, their fingers intertwine, and she falls asleep, every breath being a beat following another beat. 

 She wakes up, her body heavy of comfort and longing, she looks at him, her gaze follows the sharp lines around his mouth, the soft lips, and when he opens his eyes, she meets oceans of questions that neither of them ask. She knows she's long gone, she never had a chance, he smiles a crooked smile and she want to punch him and fuck him at the same time.

She kiss his cheek, gets up and steps into her pants, ties her shoes, drinks a glass of water, grabs her bag and leaves, just to come back another night, to do it all over again. 

One beer down

I sleep more than I should, I hug myself in my sleep. I wake up hoping never to feel alone again. And then I leave him in the morning and still hesitate. I hesitate more than I ever should... I can never tell him how I really feel... 

sometimes I cry

I got your arms around me, and I cried
tears fell like waterfalls

I am no longer chasing rainbows, I just dont see them

Minnesota

he was an odd boy
and i sort of liked that

New project continues

So another project:
words: Searing, tranquility, visceral

Situation: having never lost more

By: Alaska

in love with you

I dont know when it happened, but you have become to be one of my best friends, you also is the one person I just happen to love. I love you dearly, and I miss you when we are apart. Not in that feverish passionate way couples seem to miss each other, but I miss you because I feel better with you. I worry, that you one day will decide that you don’t want me in your life anymore, and you will just never talk to me again. 
I love falling asleep next to you, nestled up close to you, feeling every breath you take and the scent of your skin. I love you deeply, really deeply. You annoy the fucking shit out of me, and sometimes your stupid opinion make me cringe and I just want to fight you, and sometimes I do. I know love is a big word, but for the past six months I’ve fallen in love with you, because I just know that I want you in my life. You are important to me. I wish for you to one day look me into the eyes and say: I love you, I want to be with you.

I know it’s a silly dream I have, and I settle for the second best I can get, to be your friend. To be that person close to you, to be that shoulder you can relay on. I am good being her, because I am not what you want, I am not that partner you are looking for. So I am writing you this letter, that you never will get, because I don’t want to do anything to ruin our friendship… ever… 

it is weird that moment

I kissed him, because I wanted to kiss him, I loved him, very deeply.
But I am never to tell him that... ever!

The boy in the red beanie

It was one of those parties, where i knew half of the people, and to be honest I only went because my best friend was spending her evening being romantic with her girlfriend. I was one of the first arriving to the party, with some okey beers and feeling like I probably would leave early. When I came to the party I attacked the snacktable while drinking one of those beers I had brought. Feeling sort of content. Zoe, an old friend entered and she brought a friend with her, he was tall and for some reason he caught my eye. He wasn't classically good looking and darn, I don't think that boy had seen the inside of the gym in years, if ever. Considering I am not a superfical person, I didn't really care. He just looked so confident when he came over to me, and the only reason he came over my way was because Zoe just had entered the room behind me and I had closed the door behind her. I smiled at him when he came over, he looked down on me, he had quite some hight on me.

"Nope, you can't come in here" I told him, teasingly, for some reason I wanted to tease him, "but you can grab a beer over in the fridge" I pointed him towards the fridge where I know there was an abundance of beer to be drank. I guess he was thirsty, or maybe the prospect of being caught talking to a strange girl with a somewhat hostile attitude wasn't his kind of night, so he went over to the fridge and got a beer. Right about the time when he had grabbed the beer Zoe opened the door and looked around, saw him and called him over. She introduced us and I still couldn't shake the feeling of wanting to tease him, maybe it was the shot I had taken when i entered the party, or the three beers that had followed the shot. Maybe it was just sheer attraction, because I kept on ending up besides him, just to chit chat, and everyone that knows me, knows that I am more than terrible at chit chats. Another friend poored me a stiff whiskey, I gave it to him. He seemed to be surprised, and so was I. I jokingly stole his beanie, it was bright red and warm on my head. I probably looked like a fool in it. We all sat around and talked, and all of a sudden I relised I was holding his hand, I don't know if he had taken mine, or if I had reached for his. We sat there and our fingers weaved together, and I didn't know what to say, and still I kept on tlaking, just because I could.

The party went on, people came and left, and I found myself sitting in his lap, at that point I knew I wasn't going home alone, and when our mutual friend left, she hugged us and said bye. We left, alsmost last, I walked with him, I probably more or less bopped up and down, because that's how I walk. I can't walk in a straight line, not even when I am sober. I kissed him, or he kissed me, I don't know. But to be honest, I am quite sure that I kissed him and he kisssed me back.

My roomate tells me I fall to hard and too fast, She's probably right, she's often right. I like this boy, I do like him and I will awkwardly meet him again, and I will awkwardly kiss him, and then I will run away from him.

Because my heart belongs elsewhere

That guy on Tinder

When I was travelling I was swiping left and right on this funny little app called Tinder. I guess it can be a hook up app, I even know people that gotten some good ass from the app. I don't think I can do it. Tinder does entertain me, like really, some peoples profile pictures makes me wonder, if that is the best you can do on a picture, what do you really look like in real life? So I swipe left and right and once in a while I swipe a person that swipes me back and we match, and we start to talk. Sometimes the person I talk to just seem to be really cool, and most of the time they live far away becuse I have already travelled away from the place I swiped a match. Most of the time it just fizzles out, I don't really know how to meet someone that isn't real. They are a face on my screen with words that just be designed to keep my attention.

BUT there is this one guy on Tinder, I keep on getting caught on, he's so smart, witty and according to pictures quite goodlooking. I can't stop thinking of what he would be like in real life. I know he owns a bar with some other people, he reads really awesome books and just seem to be smart in general. I am attracted to that... I don't know if I will ever see him... but I don't really care. In my mind I already sort of knows what he would be like if we did meet. I know it's creepy in some way, because I have designed what he would be like when we meet, and we probably never will meet.

I imagine how his arms would feel around my body, how he would kiss me that first time we meet. I am sort of sure that he's sort of a douchebag, that he suffers from comittment issues, but who doesn't nowdays. I imagine his apartment and that his furniture is an epic mix between old and new, I have a feeling that he has some things that are just comfortble and some things that are just stylish. I am sure he once in his lifetime had an extensive record collection and that he misses it. Music will always be in the background, he's that kind of boy, maybe with a few tattooes, I don't know, i can't tell from the pictures on Tinder. He's funny and completley terrified of relationships. I know he will be an amazing lover and I be another woman that passes through in his life, he's an adventurer who will never find that final treasure that he set out, because there will always be another one to explore... 

a deep breath of air

I can hear the birds above me, I sit in the soft moss, it's dry and a strong smell of pine fills my nostrils. I've lost track of time, but I know I've been sitting here for at least an hour, maybe two. I must be in a clearing, because I can feel the sun on my face, it has been many years since I could see the sun, or see anything at all. I know I'm lost, if you can say lost if you never had an intended goal. I guess my goal was to live, and last night I against all odds had escaped the train that was transporting me and other people who no longer was use to society towards "Paradise". We all knew that paradise was just another name for the final destination, a place to dispose of the unwanted.  In our society there was no room for imperfections like me.

For a long time I was able to hide the fact that my eyesight was leaving me and that I finally was left blind, I worked from home, and my beloved partner Que would do what my eyes wouldn't, she cooked, cleaned and installed little devices that helped me keep the act up, not even our closest friends had suspected that they were in the presence of an imperfect being. I had programmed my computer so I could continue my work even when I became completely blind. I knew every inch of our apartment, and the few times I had to leave the apartment, Que would come with me, and our steps would sync and she would without hesitation lead me through every task and I trusted her, as the blind man I was, she never gave me a reason to doubt.

I don't know why or how I lost my eyesight. Maybe I was born with the malfunction, maybe it was because of all the chemicals I used to work with in my rookie years, before I became a senior and I left the big barrels of chemicals behind me. Whatever the cause was, I was no longer a functioning unit in a society of perfection and it had only been about how long it would take before they realized it. You would think that with the height of modern technology and medical advance there be a cure for whatever made me blind, but I knew that if they would have found any genetic imperfection, I would have been disposed of, so my choice was easy, I rather stay in hiding with Que, than to peruse a possible death sentence, even if death never scared me, we all knew that death was in the end of our productivity. It took them five years to figure it out, that I was blind, five years where I got to wake up next to the woman I loved, hold her close to me. Five years of living a life in darkness and hiding, but in no doubt, I would do it all over again.

I guess no one thought a blind man could escape a moving train. Our society was designed for perfect people, and I guess that the imperfection that brought me onto the train, was also what saved me. It surprised me. I guess in our perfect world, we were all so perfect, that most of us followed protocol, we were taught that we would get what we expected.  All I did was to find a door, push down the handle, and to my surprise it opened and my foot stepped into rushing air and nothingness. I decided I was going towards my death in any case and just jumped, thinking of how Que’s tears had wet my cheek when they took me away. I remember how she softly had whispered into my ear that she could never share life with anyone else. I knew she would have to, coupling was not an option, it was a requirement.

I traveled in the air for a few seconds before my body with painful splash met a body of water. The air of my lungs got knocked out and I thanked my grandparents in my distant past for teaching me to swim. My arms and legs whisking around in the water, I wasn't able to tell what was up and down, but everything around me was water. After trying to fight myself, I calmed myself down and let the water push me upwards, and after what felt like hours but probably only was a minute or two, I broke the surface with lungs that were screaming for air. My heart was racing and my ears that been my most reliable source of my surroundings were full of water and I felt lost.

The water was cold and my clothes where weighing me down, I wanted to free myself for the clothes, but also knew that if I got out of the water, I would need my clothes. No matter how much I wanted to get rid of them right now. I felt how I was drifting along the water in a slight current, and I guessed that I had landed in a river. I had never seen a river, but I had read about them in books from the past century. Nature was an untamed element that we never where to enter. It was nothing but

I kicked my way to the river bank and gotten out of the river. Exhausted I dragged myself into the woods, I stumbled into several trunks and sharp branches of pine whisked my face before I must have fallen  asleep in the clearing.


Project: a blind man lost in the woods, in first person: project given by warriorprince

My new project... writing for it all...

So this blog has for a long time been my secret outlet, it's been where I post my finished and unfinished pieces, it has been where I pour myself out, and where i live my dream. My dream of creating a world of word... sometimes I have a hard time to write, maybe it is because of my ADD, maybe I am just an easily distracted person, and maybe I am just me...

So my new project is to have selected people give me topics to be used at inspiration. First person I asked for this was my more or less charming ex, who I do really trust to give me an honest opinion despite the fact he can't face his own fears of emotional pain. Oh well, I guess we all have imperfections.

The struggle continues...

So finally the verdict is coming closer, I have ADHD, it's probably not a suprise to anyone... I am unfixable?  I was manufactured wrong, and will never be like everyone else, I am just not normal. 

Today I fell in Love with Jens Lekman

I don't know him, so I can't really fall in love with him. It be a lie to say I fell in love with him, but maybe the music he makes, and the lyrics he writes. He's quite amazing.

Read and listen to my dream guy....

Another night in NYC with thoughts to London

Like so many other nights, I'm letting the train take me to another part of the city, stop after stop are passing. I'm on my way back out to Brooklyn, where o seem to belong, expensive wine buzzing in my blood. I wonder if this is what I want. I'm going back to another bed, not my bed, but a bed and a body that will try to fill that hole that is me. I know it's never going to last, if I don't leave him he will leave me. When he looks into my eyes and see that I'm a human he will flee, I'm still a novalty, something different. I look at the bearded man next to me, he's holding his fixie bike, and I think that maybe I should get a bike, but i know thats not going to happen. I'm nothing special, everyone love to talk about me, but only me know who I am and the things I've done.

 Once upon a time a guy at a bar in London called me "an Angel" right before he asked me to follow him into the bathroom for a line of coke. I remember laughing at him and then spending the rest of the night keepin an eye on my sister who was making out with some dude who talked about his girl. How she got blafriend so dearly a few hours earlier 

I kep on keeping and eye on her while we joined the guys for the afterparty and she "snogged" along with the dude and I outdrank his roommates  and the dudes jelous girlfriend showed up and yelled at us all and  I had to call one of those odd London cabs.

staying alive for what?

My hands tremble, I close my eyes and I see nothing, because my eyes are shut. I hear the distant buzz of the city, the city I am stuck in, waist deep in the city, I cling to dreams built on dreams. Splinters and small fractions of broken dreams and hopes that no one ever lived up to. I lay in the grass and I feel my chest heave up and down, oxygen and exhaust fill my lungs. 
I'm alive,
 I know I'm alive. 
I don't know if I want to be alive, but there is no choice, the world wants me alive.
I open my eyes and stare up at the smog.

maybe morbid?

I think about death, lack of life and how I would stop to live. 
How red blood and the pain would pump out from my veins and cover the floor around me.

I would be a beautiful corpse.

 Blond hair and pale skin, my eyes wide open, glazed over staring into that nothingness that is the lack of afterlife. Naked body resting in the pool of blood, red against a grey concrete.
Wishing for death is selfish. But I don't care, because what eats me from the inside is selfish.

and so it is

I saw him enter the room, just vaugley, he was someone, I didnt know that when I stopped him, made him get his own beer. He made me laugh and that is sometimes all you need, maybe that is what you need at all times.

The city swirls

I am just one of many in this city, I live among them all, I have no cause and no purpose and I walk the streets and people walk by my side but they never see me. I walk like the ghost of a person I am. I follow someone into a bar, I sit next to them, see how they order a drink, how their lips get wet when they drink it. How their eyes widen in the sudden shock of alcohol from the shot that pours down the throat. I just sit there and study. Today I watch this one strager who seem to drown her sorrows, it takes five shots and five beers before she turns to me. She looks past me, her eyes look at me but don't see me. Her eyes wanders and I wonder who she is, and she stands up and leaves the bar, and I stay and order and waits for someone new to sit on the chair she just left empty. 

when pain isnt really pain

it's not real
at all

i feel
and I fell

i ALWAYS said
that it's crazy

never ever never ever never ever

So there are the things we always asked for

there are the things we thought we wanted

i write my future in my head

to bad life really sucks at following scripts

Is it just that way?

That last time I laid in your arms, I sort of knew it was the last time, but I didn't know.
I knew when I left you turn elsewhere, it was written in the stars.
I guess I have a thing for fighting for the lost causes in my life, but this wasnt even a fight.
Both with gigant holes inside and with our hearts far away.

I have a pain inside of me, it's like a maelstrom that want to suck me down
and it hurts, it hurts when you pull away.

I can't stop the pain, and the harder you try to run, the harder it holds on.

I am stupid in that way, I can't say NO, I can't give up. All you should have done, was tell me the truth. I wanted your happiness more than anything.

SO that last night, that we didnt know was the last one, but we knew.
I just wanted to fuck you like it was the last time, and I didn't even come, so maybe it was a waste of a lay, but you came allover me, and that made me happy.

We both knew we werent right for each other, my heart lingered elsewhere and you never really wanted more than the image of my light in your eyes. My quiet darkness, my quiet kindness was a curse and a blessing.

We are all in a happy fucking bubble now, I am in a bubble, I just fucking take my little white pills, they make me sleepy and I can sleep.

Forget that the choices we make, sometimes last forever. 

Never touch me again

You make thing hard on me, why do you do it.
Let's walk aways as friends
Just admitt you're fucking wrong
You can always say you are sorry, ACT like you are fucking sorry and we be fine!

We will be JUST FINE!

FUCK YOU

Fuck you for fucking me over
Fuck YOU

You are the most selfcentered person I have ever met, and I fucking don't even konw why I still even care about you! WHY the fuck should we be friends, so you can push me around a little more?

When we talk about snow

A faint memory of snow, the smell of it,

 the soft snowflakes clinging to my hair, 

 the cold air biting lips, chin and cheeks.

I remember laying down and feeling the body slowly go numb 

Cold snow pressed against fabric and the sudden sting of snow against  unexposed skin. 

Breathing cold and warmth 

Dragon breath 

A spiral of hot air spiralling into the coldness

Time passing

standing up leaving a dent 

To be filled with soft forgetful flakes

Her warriorprince

She entered the bar with her people, and she saw him, and another boy in the corner of the bar, she knew them but she didn't know them. She smiled and talked. They all smiled and talked. A few beers and a few laughs, the bar was almost empty, a Sunday night. It was time.

They all left and he came with them, he walked next to her and her roommates and the city was quiet around them and they could have been anywhere. Their laughs blended with the underlaying buzz and the fall was coming.

He came with her.

It became a long night, and she gave him cheesecake, and his eyes left her speechless and when he leaned in to kiss her, she couldn't say no. It surprised her, but it didn't surprise her, because it was what she wanted. And she kissed him back.

He asked her out for a date, and she said yes, because no had left her vocabulary and he wrapped his arms around her and she couldn't stop smiling. he took her out and home and he sat her down and told her about his darkness and she listened and she kissed him. He came over to her house drunk and mumbled about wanting to be with her, and she said yes, I want to be with you too, fuck everyone else, they don't matter.

 And he took her in his arms and kissed him back and she sat in his bed and everything felt so right. The darkness seeped out of him, and her light twirled around them. 

She slept next to him and the world stopped spinning, she woke up and put her hand on his chest, felt his chest raise and fall. She felt safe, but scared, wondering how she would mend herself when he walked away, and she wrapped her arm around him again and slept deep without dreams.

He was her warrior prince, and she was ready for their adventure to begin, for mountains to climb, for reality to hit, she was ready to follow and lead. She was ready to fall and get up again. Her sword was sharpened and his bow was strung, together they could take down the world.

And then he stod up, aimed carefully and shot her in the back.