I
am still completely dysfunctional in relationships. I even tried to date girls
for quite a while, the male sexuality just scared the living crap out of
me. I just can’t tell anyone, because I
just feel like I am gonna be judged, and I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for
me, it’s not what I want. I don’t know what I want. Since I haven’t really told
anyone, I don’t know how anyone would react, I don’t want pitty. I think some
of the people I’ve dated have had hunches and I just haven’t been able to say
anything. I mean, I did get drunk and stupid, I sort of set myself up, and
still I can’t help the way I sometimes react to touch, closeness and intimacy.
I am complicated already. Most partners react with some sort of anger and that
makes it even worse and don’t have the patience to listen to me. I had years
when I didn’t let anyone touch me. It made it easier. Still I like company, I
would like a partner, someone to enjoy quietness with, someone that just accept
me for who I am. Someone that doesn’t take advantage of me being really kind
and caring.
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