when pain isnt really pain

it's not real
at all

i feel
and I fell

i ALWAYS said
that it's crazy

never ever never ever never ever

So there are the things we always asked for

there are the things we thought we wanted

i write my future in my head

to bad life really sucks at following scripts

Is it just that way?

That last time I laid in your arms, I sort of knew it was the last time, but I didn't know.
I knew when I left you turn elsewhere, it was written in the stars.
I guess I have a thing for fighting for the lost causes in my life, but this wasnt even a fight.
Both with gigant holes inside and with our hearts far away.

I have a pain inside of me, it's like a maelstrom that want to suck me down
and it hurts, it hurts when you pull away.

I can't stop the pain, and the harder you try to run, the harder it holds on.

I am stupid in that way, I can't say NO, I can't give up. All you should have done, was tell me the truth. I wanted your happiness more than anything.

SO that last night, that we didnt know was the last one, but we knew.
I just wanted to fuck you like it was the last time, and I didn't even come, so maybe it was a waste of a lay, but you came allover me, and that made me happy.

We both knew we werent right for each other, my heart lingered elsewhere and you never really wanted more than the image of my light in your eyes. My quiet darkness, my quiet kindness was a curse and a blessing.

We are all in a happy fucking bubble now, I am in a bubble, I just fucking take my little white pills, they make me sleepy and I can sleep.

Forget that the choices we make, sometimes last forever. 

Never touch me again

You make thing hard on me, why do you do it.
Let's walk aways as friends
Just admitt you're fucking wrong
You can always say you are sorry, ACT like you are fucking sorry and we be fine!

We will be JUST FINE!

FUCK YOU

Fuck you for fucking me over
Fuck YOU

You are the most selfcentered person I have ever met, and I fucking don't even konw why I still even care about you! WHY the fuck should we be friends, so you can push me around a little more?

When we talk about snow

A faint memory of snow, the smell of it,

 the soft snowflakes clinging to my hair, 

 the cold air biting lips, chin and cheeks.

I remember laying down and feeling the body slowly go numb 

Cold snow pressed against fabric and the sudden sting of snow against  unexposed skin. 

Breathing cold and warmth 

Dragon breath 

A spiral of hot air spiralling into the coldness

Time passing

standing up leaving a dent 

To be filled with soft forgetful flakes

Her warriorprince

She entered the bar with her people, and she saw him, and another boy in the corner of the bar, she knew them but she didn't know them. She smiled and talked. They all smiled and talked. A few beers and a few laughs, the bar was almost empty, a Sunday night. It was time.

They all left and he came with them, he walked next to her and her roommates and the city was quiet around them and they could have been anywhere. Their laughs blended with the underlaying buzz and the fall was coming.

He came with her.

It became a long night, and she gave him cheesecake, and his eyes left her speechless and when he leaned in to kiss her, she couldn't say no. It surprised her, but it didn't surprise her, because it was what she wanted. And she kissed him back.

He asked her out for a date, and she said yes, because no had left her vocabulary and he wrapped his arms around her and she couldn't stop smiling. he took her out and home and he sat her down and told her about his darkness and she listened and she kissed him. He came over to her house drunk and mumbled about wanting to be with her, and she said yes, I want to be with you too, fuck everyone else, they don't matter.

 And he took her in his arms and kissed him back and she sat in his bed and everything felt so right. The darkness seeped out of him, and her light twirled around them. 

She slept next to him and the world stopped spinning, she woke up and put her hand on his chest, felt his chest raise and fall. She felt safe, but scared, wondering how she would mend herself when he walked away, and she wrapped her arm around him again and slept deep without dreams.

He was her warrior prince, and she was ready for their adventure to begin, for mountains to climb, for reality to hit, she was ready to follow and lead. She was ready to fall and get up again. Her sword was sharpened and his bow was strung, together they could take down the world.

And then he stod up, aimed carefully and shot her in the back.