One beer down

I sleep more than I should, I hug myself in my sleep. I wake up hoping never to feel alone again. And then I leave him in the morning and still hesitate. I hesitate more than I ever should... I can never tell him how I really feel... 

sometimes I cry

I got your arms around me, and I cried
tears fell like waterfalls

I am no longer chasing rainbows, I just dont see them

Minnesota

he was an odd boy
and i sort of liked that

New project continues

So another project:
words: Searing, tranquility, visceral

Situation: having never lost more

By: Alaska

in love with you

I dont know when it happened, but you have become to be one of my best friends, you also is the one person I just happen to love. I love you dearly, and I miss you when we are apart. Not in that feverish passionate way couples seem to miss each other, but I miss you because I feel better with you. I worry, that you one day will decide that you don’t want me in your life anymore, and you will just never talk to me again. 
I love falling asleep next to you, nestled up close to you, feeling every breath you take and the scent of your skin. I love you deeply, really deeply. You annoy the fucking shit out of me, and sometimes your stupid opinion make me cringe and I just want to fight you, and sometimes I do. I know love is a big word, but for the past six months I’ve fallen in love with you, because I just know that I want you in my life. You are important to me. I wish for you to one day look me into the eyes and say: I love you, I want to be with you.

I know it’s a silly dream I have, and I settle for the second best I can get, to be your friend. To be that person close to you, to be that shoulder you can relay on. I am good being her, because I am not what you want, I am not that partner you are looking for. So I am writing you this letter, that you never will get, because I don’t want to do anything to ruin our friendship… ever… 

it is weird that moment

I kissed him, because I wanted to kiss him, I loved him, very deeply.
But I am never to tell him that... ever!

The boy in the red beanie

It was one of those parties, where i knew half of the people, and to be honest I only went because my best friend was spending her evening being romantic with her girlfriend. I was one of the first arriving to the party, with some okey beers and feeling like I probably would leave early. When I came to the party I attacked the snacktable while drinking one of those beers I had brought. Feeling sort of content. Zoe, an old friend entered and she brought a friend with her, he was tall and for some reason he caught my eye. He wasn't classically good looking and darn, I don't think that boy had seen the inside of the gym in years, if ever. Considering I am not a superfical person, I didn't really care. He just looked so confident when he came over to me, and the only reason he came over my way was because Zoe just had entered the room behind me and I had closed the door behind her. I smiled at him when he came over, he looked down on me, he had quite some hight on me.

"Nope, you can't come in here" I told him, teasingly, for some reason I wanted to tease him, "but you can grab a beer over in the fridge" I pointed him towards the fridge where I know there was an abundance of beer to be drank. I guess he was thirsty, or maybe the prospect of being caught talking to a strange girl with a somewhat hostile attitude wasn't his kind of night, so he went over to the fridge and got a beer. Right about the time when he had grabbed the beer Zoe opened the door and looked around, saw him and called him over. She introduced us and I still couldn't shake the feeling of wanting to tease him, maybe it was the shot I had taken when i entered the party, or the three beers that had followed the shot. Maybe it was just sheer attraction, because I kept on ending up besides him, just to chit chat, and everyone that knows me, knows that I am more than terrible at chit chats. Another friend poored me a stiff whiskey, I gave it to him. He seemed to be surprised, and so was I. I jokingly stole his beanie, it was bright red and warm on my head. I probably looked like a fool in it. We all sat around and talked, and all of a sudden I relised I was holding his hand, I don't know if he had taken mine, or if I had reached for his. We sat there and our fingers weaved together, and I didn't know what to say, and still I kept on tlaking, just because I could.

The party went on, people came and left, and I found myself sitting in his lap, at that point I knew I wasn't going home alone, and when our mutual friend left, she hugged us and said bye. We left, alsmost last, I walked with him, I probably more or less bopped up and down, because that's how I walk. I can't walk in a straight line, not even when I am sober. I kissed him, or he kissed me, I don't know. But to be honest, I am quite sure that I kissed him and he kisssed me back.

My roomate tells me I fall to hard and too fast, She's probably right, she's often right. I like this boy, I do like him and I will awkwardly meet him again, and I will awkwardly kiss him, and then I will run away from him.

Because my heart belongs elsewhere

That guy on Tinder

When I was travelling I was swiping left and right on this funny little app called Tinder. I guess it can be a hook up app, I even know people that gotten some good ass from the app. I don't think I can do it. Tinder does entertain me, like really, some peoples profile pictures makes me wonder, if that is the best you can do on a picture, what do you really look like in real life? So I swipe left and right and once in a while I swipe a person that swipes me back and we match, and we start to talk. Sometimes the person I talk to just seem to be really cool, and most of the time they live far away becuse I have already travelled away from the place I swiped a match. Most of the time it just fizzles out, I don't really know how to meet someone that isn't real. They are a face on my screen with words that just be designed to keep my attention.

BUT there is this one guy on Tinder, I keep on getting caught on, he's so smart, witty and according to pictures quite goodlooking. I can't stop thinking of what he would be like in real life. I know he owns a bar with some other people, he reads really awesome books and just seem to be smart in general. I am attracted to that... I don't know if I will ever see him... but I don't really care. In my mind I already sort of knows what he would be like if we did meet. I know it's creepy in some way, because I have designed what he would be like when we meet, and we probably never will meet.

I imagine how his arms would feel around my body, how he would kiss me that first time we meet. I am sort of sure that he's sort of a douchebag, that he suffers from comittment issues, but who doesn't nowdays. I imagine his apartment and that his furniture is an epic mix between old and new, I have a feeling that he has some things that are just comfortble and some things that are just stylish. I am sure he once in his lifetime had an extensive record collection and that he misses it. Music will always be in the background, he's that kind of boy, maybe with a few tattooes, I don't know, i can't tell from the pictures on Tinder. He's funny and completley terrified of relationships. I know he will be an amazing lover and I be another woman that passes through in his life, he's an adventurer who will never find that final treasure that he set out, because there will always be another one to explore... 

a deep breath of air

I can hear the birds above me, I sit in the soft moss, it's dry and a strong smell of pine fills my nostrils. I've lost track of time, but I know I've been sitting here for at least an hour, maybe two. I must be in a clearing, because I can feel the sun on my face, it has been many years since I could see the sun, or see anything at all. I know I'm lost, if you can say lost if you never had an intended goal. I guess my goal was to live, and last night I against all odds had escaped the train that was transporting me and other people who no longer was use to society towards "Paradise". We all knew that paradise was just another name for the final destination, a place to dispose of the unwanted.  In our society there was no room for imperfections like me.

For a long time I was able to hide the fact that my eyesight was leaving me and that I finally was left blind, I worked from home, and my beloved partner Que would do what my eyes wouldn't, she cooked, cleaned and installed little devices that helped me keep the act up, not even our closest friends had suspected that they were in the presence of an imperfect being. I had programmed my computer so I could continue my work even when I became completely blind. I knew every inch of our apartment, and the few times I had to leave the apartment, Que would come with me, and our steps would sync and she would without hesitation lead me through every task and I trusted her, as the blind man I was, she never gave me a reason to doubt.

I don't know why or how I lost my eyesight. Maybe I was born with the malfunction, maybe it was because of all the chemicals I used to work with in my rookie years, before I became a senior and I left the big barrels of chemicals behind me. Whatever the cause was, I was no longer a functioning unit in a society of perfection and it had only been about how long it would take before they realized it. You would think that with the height of modern technology and medical advance there be a cure for whatever made me blind, but I knew that if they would have found any genetic imperfection, I would have been disposed of, so my choice was easy, I rather stay in hiding with Que, than to peruse a possible death sentence, even if death never scared me, we all knew that death was in the end of our productivity. It took them five years to figure it out, that I was blind, five years where I got to wake up next to the woman I loved, hold her close to me. Five years of living a life in darkness and hiding, but in no doubt, I would do it all over again.

I guess no one thought a blind man could escape a moving train. Our society was designed for perfect people, and I guess that the imperfection that brought me onto the train, was also what saved me. It surprised me. I guess in our perfect world, we were all so perfect, that most of us followed protocol, we were taught that we would get what we expected.  All I did was to find a door, push down the handle, and to my surprise it opened and my foot stepped into rushing air and nothingness. I decided I was going towards my death in any case and just jumped, thinking of how Que’s tears had wet my cheek when they took me away. I remember how she softly had whispered into my ear that she could never share life with anyone else. I knew she would have to, coupling was not an option, it was a requirement.

I traveled in the air for a few seconds before my body with painful splash met a body of water. The air of my lungs got knocked out and I thanked my grandparents in my distant past for teaching me to swim. My arms and legs whisking around in the water, I wasn't able to tell what was up and down, but everything around me was water. After trying to fight myself, I calmed myself down and let the water push me upwards, and after what felt like hours but probably only was a minute or two, I broke the surface with lungs that were screaming for air. My heart was racing and my ears that been my most reliable source of my surroundings were full of water and I felt lost.

The water was cold and my clothes where weighing me down, I wanted to free myself for the clothes, but also knew that if I got out of the water, I would need my clothes. No matter how much I wanted to get rid of them right now. I felt how I was drifting along the water in a slight current, and I guessed that I had landed in a river. I had never seen a river, but I had read about them in books from the past century. Nature was an untamed element that we never where to enter. It was nothing but

I kicked my way to the river bank and gotten out of the river. Exhausted I dragged myself into the woods, I stumbled into several trunks and sharp branches of pine whisked my face before I must have fallen  asleep in the clearing.


Project: a blind man lost in the woods, in first person: project given by warriorprince

My new project... writing for it all...

So this blog has for a long time been my secret outlet, it's been where I post my finished and unfinished pieces, it has been where I pour myself out, and where i live my dream. My dream of creating a world of word... sometimes I have a hard time to write, maybe it is because of my ADD, maybe I am just an easily distracted person, and maybe I am just me...

So my new project is to have selected people give me topics to be used at inspiration. First person I asked for this was my more or less charming ex, who I do really trust to give me an honest opinion despite the fact he can't face his own fears of emotional pain. Oh well, I guess we all have imperfections.

The struggle continues...

So finally the verdict is coming closer, I have ADHD, it's probably not a suprise to anyone... I am unfixable?  I was manufactured wrong, and will never be like everyone else, I am just not normal. 

Today I fell in Love with Jens Lekman

I don't know him, so I can't really fall in love with him. It be a lie to say I fell in love with him, but maybe the music he makes, and the lyrics he writes. He's quite amazing.

Read and listen to my dream guy....

Another night in NYC with thoughts to London

Like so many other nights, I'm letting the train take me to another part of the city, stop after stop are passing. I'm on my way back out to Brooklyn, where o seem to belong, expensive wine buzzing in my blood. I wonder if this is what I want. I'm going back to another bed, not my bed, but a bed and a body that will try to fill that hole that is me. I know it's never going to last, if I don't leave him he will leave me. When he looks into my eyes and see that I'm a human he will flee, I'm still a novalty, something different. I look at the bearded man next to me, he's holding his fixie bike, and I think that maybe I should get a bike, but i know thats not going to happen. I'm nothing special, everyone love to talk about me, but only me know who I am and the things I've done.

 Once upon a time a guy at a bar in London called me "an Angel" right before he asked me to follow him into the bathroom for a line of coke. I remember laughing at him and then spending the rest of the night keepin an eye on my sister who was making out with some dude who talked about his girl. How she got blafriend so dearly a few hours earlier 

I kep on keeping and eye on her while we joined the guys for the afterparty and she "snogged" along with the dude and I outdrank his roommates  and the dudes jelous girlfriend showed up and yelled at us all and  I had to call one of those odd London cabs.

staying alive for what?

My hands tremble, I close my eyes and I see nothing, because my eyes are shut. I hear the distant buzz of the city, the city I am stuck in, waist deep in the city, I cling to dreams built on dreams. Splinters and small fractions of broken dreams and hopes that no one ever lived up to. I lay in the grass and I feel my chest heave up and down, oxygen and exhaust fill my lungs. 
I'm alive,
 I know I'm alive. 
I don't know if I want to be alive, but there is no choice, the world wants me alive.
I open my eyes and stare up at the smog.

maybe morbid?

I think about death, lack of life and how I would stop to live. 
How red blood and the pain would pump out from my veins and cover the floor around me.

I would be a beautiful corpse.

 Blond hair and pale skin, my eyes wide open, glazed over staring into that nothingness that is the lack of afterlife. Naked body resting in the pool of blood, red against a grey concrete.
Wishing for death is selfish. But I don't care, because what eats me from the inside is selfish.

and so it is

I saw him enter the room, just vaugley, he was someone, I didnt know that when I stopped him, made him get his own beer. He made me laugh and that is sometimes all you need, maybe that is what you need at all times.