Another year has passed

They say things are supposed to get easier with time, I am not sure that is true.

I constantly come back to the same thing, that I have been in love with the same person for over three years now and I have to let go...

Letting go is not easy, it is not. But I have to make this decision because they don't want to fight for what we can have, they just don't want to fight for something that would be the best thing in their lives.

I cannot stay around and be a provider, an endless well of love, my well is running dry, I have to go.

I am sad and it is hard to walk away from something that you love, but you know it will be for the better.  Ican't carry the love on for both of us.

She stood on the top of the building, her mind was searing, her thoughts scattered. She had a feeling like she had lost something, something that was really dear to her. She let her body slump down against the chimney, she was very aware of how she got there, she had climbed the ladder that was on the side of the building. She was scared of heights, but she was driven by a force inside of her, to get away.

The buzzing of the city, that she was in the middle of, did her little good, she could appreciate the city for what it was but she could never all it home. It was a place, but not a home. 

The sun was rising and she felt how her face was slowly thawing, how the tears that were frozen in her eyes where slowly running down her face.

 She felt tired, she was tired of running, she wanted to go back to bed, to the warm man that was sleeping inside. Let her limbs relax and feel that tranquility she always felt next to him.  Feel his arms wrap around her, the softness of his skin, drawing her closer, that visceral feeling that she was safe, that she could stay. His hands softness against her skin and his breath against her neck. Sometimes she would wake up in the middle of the night and look at him, turn her face against his. Just wait for the sleep to catch up with her while wondering if he knew how she felt, and sometimes she thought he did. Sometimes she almost had let the words slide out, she once did, but maybe he was too drunk to remember, or he choose to never mention it.

But she couldn’t, because he wasn’t alone, someone else was in his bed, sleeping next to him, her arms wrapped around him, their naked bodies emptied out.  A condom wrapper on the floor.

Her thoughts interrupted by a car honking. The sun now flowing over the city that was waking up, she gazed towards the horizon, and she thought she could see mountains, calling for her in the distance. She took a deep breath, it was time to leave, she climbed down, walked into the room, quietly, took her backpack. Looked at the sleeping man wrapped up in his own dreams.

She put her boots on and started walking, the mountains had been calling for too long now and she sort of knew the way. 

The landscape around her changed, the mountains rolled around her, and the glaicers glimmered at the horizon. She set down camp by a lake, resting her head on the roots of the knotted roots of birches, breathing in the scent of moss and campfire. If it was late she couldn't tell, the sun was still far from setting. She fell asleep, and when she woke up, she was wrapped in his arms, and his hand rested on her hand.

His eyes met hers, and he just simply said. "I missed you" and she fell asleep again.

words: Searing, tranquility, visceral

Situation: having never lost more

She stood on the top of the building, her mind was searing, her thoughts scattered. She had a feeling like she had lost something, something that was really dear to her. She let her body slump down against the chimney, she was very aware of how she got there, she had climbed the ladder that was on the side of the building. She was scared of heights, but she was driven by a force inside of her, to get away.

The buzzing of the city, that she was in the middle of, did her little good, she could appreciate the city for what it was but she could never call it home.

The sun was rising and she felt how her face was slowly thawing, how the tears that were frozen in her eyes where slowly running down her face.

 She felt tired, she was tired of running, she wanted to go back to bed, to the warm man that was sleeping inside. Let her limbs relax and feel that tranquility she always felt next to him.  Feel his arms wrap around her, the softness of his skin, drawing her closer, that visceral feeling that she was safe, that she could stay. His hands softness against her skin and his breath against her neck.

But she couldn’t, because he wasn’t alone, someone else was in his bed, sleeping next to him, her arms wrapped around him, their naked bodies emptied out. A condom wrapper on the floor.

So she climbed down, walked into her garden, let her feet sink into the soft cold soil and turned her face towards the sun.

Later that day when he watered the garden he saw that the sunflowers had wilted.

I don't know

Acctually written late december 2015

I can honestly say I don't know where we are going, I don't know how many times i have told you how I feel about you. I want to be with you. There have not been anyone else since I met you that have made me feel the way I feel about you. There been short romances, short hot feelings that left me pretty cold.

It soon has to come to an end, it have hurt me from the inside out, but I haven't been able to give up.
The way I feel when I sleep with your arms around me, the way I feel when you smile at me, the way I feel when you look at me, the way I feel when you hold my hand. Those feelings chase all that away.

Still I don't trust you, not yet, I don't trust you and it sucks, I just can't trust you. I used to really trust you. You told me you would be there for me when I needed you. You left me when I needed you the most, you ran into other arms, but can I blame you. I can blame that she used it to pierce my heart, to leave me bleeding on the ground and you did nothing. That I blame you for. I blame you for not telling me about it. I blame you for not keeping me safe.

My friends, even your friends have told me to let go, that I am just hurting myself, that you are to emotionally unavailable, that you are just stringing me along. That you like the attention, that you like having me, but not having me. And they are probably all right. Still I have this lingering feeling that it would be the mistake of my life and I would spend the rest of my life regretting it.

I was the safest in your arms. We never had the opportunity to really be who we are, even if we did. The city diminish us, it stresses us out, it shrinks me from running wild on the fields. To roll a round in the snow. I am so attracted to you, I've spent countless nights next to you, feeling how my blood running hot for you. Not wanting anything but to kiss you. Maybe I should have, but I had settled for being your friend, becasue I could not bear the thought of loosing you. Ever...

 I know I am bad at asking for things, you told me to ask, and you promised and you didn't deliver. I tried not to ask for things, becasue I wanted you to want to do things for me. Not because I asked you, I wanted for you to miss me, not just repeat it back to me like a parrot.
 I will see you in a month, it makes me happy and gives me a feeling that I want to throw up.

We all have those fantasies about walking into each others arms, to meet at the airport and see each other with tears. It's what happens in movies... and hey, you are in movies...  I don't think we will, I am pretty sure that it will be an awkward moment of "should we kiss, should we hug or what should we do". I don't think we have any clue what we are to each other.

And to be honest I am not even sure I know, I want you to be with me, and I want you to touch me, I want to sleep next to you and I want you to be so close to me that your heart beats with mine. I want to kiss you and then look into you eyes, and feel the shivers of pleasure it sends down my spine. I want to dress up and look pretty for you and I want to roll around in the snow with you. I want to garden and have you quietly watch me. I want to lay and in bed and just listen to you work. I wanna go camping and be naked in a tent with you. I wanna go skiiing and compete. I wanna snowboard and show off... I want to share adventures and times with you.

Will it happen? I dont know! I dont know at all!