Love in the time of fall

Gray, gray with a leaf of yellow, a leaf of orange, a leaf of red and yellow, I walk down the street.
The smell of winter lingers in the air, I can smell the distant snow. I can feel the seasons changing and I long and I know. My jacket is just as warm as last year, my hand slightly cold in his. I smile into eyes that smile back at me.  The overwhelming feeling of not being alone, makes my heart jump, makes my heart live. I know he’s mine, but the fear is still there, don’t take him away, I finally found someone I can love, but don’t tell him I love him, it’s too early already.

Gravity brings the last leaves to the ground, my steps fight gravity and I leap in the air, around him, I can’t stop smiling, my hand a little warmer in his pocket. He wraps his arms around me, and I think we are in love know.

Maybe it isnt real, maybe I should be running, but I am tired of running, I am tired of fear, I am here, right now. 

Fuck you

I sometimes run against the stream - and i run and I run

and i am over, over and completly over it

your touch

I hold you lightly

your kiss is tender
yet not there

i fly and I cry
I long to be
and run away

That kiss and me - again

He smelled just the way I remembered, his arms strong around me, embracing me, holding me tightly, as if he was trying to save me from the world I was already so lost to. He whispered into my ear, something stupid, it tickled and I felt how I unwilling smiled, how my tense face turned soft for a minute. I tried to get under his skin, to get closer; I wanted to be the soap that my nose was detecting on his skin. My hands found the gap between the shirt and the jeans and I let them edge under, to reach the warm and soft skin on his back. I wanted to dig my short manicured nails into skin back, leave a mark. Anchor him in my world; make him my anchor, so I never could drift away. He tilted his head and gazed on me.

 I felt reality hit me, pumping thru my veins was overpowered by an intense feeling that I belonged, belonged in those arms, in this minute, that my world could be his world, or rather our world.

The memory of pale morning lights in a kitchen far away, a casual breakfast hit my brain. Me as a child having toasted bread with jam and an abundance of butter, being home. This moment was just like that, as if I was sinking my teeth into buttered toasted bread and jam, delightful and satisfying.

His t-shirt was simply white and detergent lingered in the fabric that stretched over his chest. My eyes locked with him and he saw me, really tried at least. My eyes as blue as the lake in the summer, black make-up artfully smeared around eyes that were dry even when I wanted to cry. He leaned over and kissed me gently, I felt lips so soft it sent shocks down my spine, I could taste the salt on his lips, from the sweat that now was drying on our bodies, I could feel how my body just pressed itself a little closer, how he reacted by intensifying the kiss, I was plastered to his body, wanting to get away but paralyzed by desire and shock. Saying he had me at hello would be a lie, but I was his for this moment and hours to come.

Minnen och jag

Lyssna på det här, det är riktiga LP-skivor, hon skrattade samtidigt som en kvinna med röst raspig  började sjunga på franska. 
Det var första gången, men inte sista jag hörde Edith Piaff. Vi lyssnade ofta på Edith Piaff, jag spenderade min sommar som 15-åring sovandes i en sjöstuga tillsammans med en salig blandning av misfits. Det var som om vi alla hade hittat hem på samma gång. Vi var alla rotlösa, ensamma och lite trasiga på olika sätt, utanpå eller inuti. Jag var lycklig för första gången på år, jag vågade lite mer, vi drack änglagård yoghurt rätt ur förpackningen och skrattade högt åt varandra. Vi vara alla vegetarianer utom Fia, som tyckte det verkade onödigt. Jag var den enda oskulden och var väldigt mycket ointresserad men intresserad. Jag ville vara kär, men vågade inte. Jag somnade tätt intill andra personer natt efter natt. Jag tror att min politiska tillhörighet var någonstans på lagomt vänster, jag trodde på den goda mänskligheten. Vi läste utdrag av det kommunistiska manifestet och ibland fick vi munhuggas med vänner som var stalinister. Jag fann Emma Goldman och läste säkert hennes biografi 10 ggr. Jag var fascinerad över hennes liv, över hennes dedikation och mitt i denna villervalla var sommaren över, och jag hade fortfarande inte lyckats göra mig av med min oskuld men jag hade hunnit röka gräs mer än en gång och plockat svamp med en 10år äldre blandmissbrukare. 

Andetag

Jag andas in och du andas ut

Våra hjärtan dunkar i olika rytm.

Dina andetag mot min kind

Min kropp mot din

Mina andetag mot din kind

Mina läppar mot dina

Hela världen står i brand

Jag somnar 

och vaknar för att falla in i dina armar

Snowflakes and me

I am always so taken aback by the city, how we each day pass each other, we look away, we let our sight slide. I sometimes meet someone's eyes, our eyes meet and I wonder "What are your thoughts. Where are you going and why?"

I walk in the city and it rains, and I long for the clean rain  and not the kind  that now trickles down my face. The rain is warm and the air is humid and I feel everything, but clean. The wine from last night is still in my bloodstream and I have regrets, but I don't have regrets. I often tell myself I have to live a little, and I guess that is what I'm doing, prodding the streets of Brooklyn and living a little.

The city is an adventure, a manmade wilderness and with my body on the line I walk in the darkness, I don't hail a cab as long as I can walk. I get the catcalls so often I don even hear them, according to many men I'm "snowflake". And maybe I'm a snowflake, I just want to melt away, become a part of the rain and just disappear down the East River, flow past the Staue of Liberty and I wonder if she ever misses her homeland. If I was a snowflake I would not want to fall in the city, I'd fall on a glacier and be forever frozen in time, with a timeless memory until I'd break of into the ocean 

YOu scare the living crap out of me

I thread lightly, I think I have fallen for you.

I escaped myself, and found you

You re a man, every inch of you is a man.

I don't care, I want you, because you are you.

I will hold onto you and I will not let go.