Maybe its the way it is

I think i love him
or maybe I don't

I don't know... I w3ant to be with him, and then I also want to run.

Om att älska

Tiden passerar och jag kan inte säga det, jag pratar runt det, jag pratar över det, jag pratar om allt och inget. Men jag kan inte säga att jag älskar, orden faller inte över mina läppar.

Mina läppar är mjuka och när jag kysser dig säras de, släpper in din mjuka tunga. Dina händer pressar mot min kropp och jag känner din hårdhet mot min mjukhet. Jag faller in i din kropp och jag andas inte längre.

What you don't say

I love you, but I can't say it
I might never tell you

But I hope you can read my eyes

Don't leave it all up to chance
maybe I shold tell you?

I don't want you to hide and run

Love in the time of fall

Gray, gray with a leaf of yellow, a leaf of orange, a leaf of red and yellow, I walk down the street.
The smell of winter lingers in the air, I can smell the distant snow. I can feel the seasons changing and I long and I know. My jacket is just as warm as last year, my hand slightly cold in his. I smile into eyes that smile back at me.  The overwhelming feeling of not being alone, makes my heart jump, makes my heart live. I know he’s mine, but the fear is still there, don’t take him away, I finally found someone I can love, but don’t tell him I love him, it’s too early already.

Gravity brings the last leaves to the ground, my steps fight gravity and I leap in the air, around him, I can’t stop smiling, my hand a little warmer in his pocket. He wraps his arms around me, and I think we are in love know.

Maybe it isnt real, maybe I should be running, but I am tired of running, I am tired of fear, I am here, right now. 

Fuck you

I sometimes run against the stream - and i run and I run

and i am over, over and completly over it

your touch

I hold you lightly

your kiss is tender
yet not there

i fly and I cry
I long to be
and run away

That kiss and me - again

He smelled just the way I remembered, his arms strong around me, embracing me, holding me tightly, as if he was trying to save me from the world I was already so lost to. He whispered into my ear, something stupid, it tickled and I felt how I unwilling smiled, how my tense face turned soft for a minute. I tried to get under his skin, to get closer; I wanted to be the soap that my nose was detecting on his skin. My hands found the gap between the shirt and the jeans and I let them edge under, to reach the warm and soft skin on his back. I wanted to dig my short manicured nails into skin back, leave a mark. Anchor him in my world; make him my anchor, so I never could drift away. He tilted his head and gazed on me.

 I felt reality hit me, pumping thru my veins was overpowered by an intense feeling that I belonged, belonged in those arms, in this minute, that my world could be his world, or rather our world.

The memory of pale morning lights in a kitchen far away, a casual breakfast hit my brain. Me as a child having toasted bread with jam and an abundance of butter, being home. This moment was just like that, as if I was sinking my teeth into buttered toasted bread and jam, delightful and satisfying.

His t-shirt was simply white and detergent lingered in the fabric that stretched over his chest. My eyes locked with him and he saw me, really tried at least. My eyes as blue as the lake in the summer, black make-up artfully smeared around eyes that were dry even when I wanted to cry. He leaned over and kissed me gently, I felt lips so soft it sent shocks down my spine, I could taste the salt on his lips, from the sweat that now was drying on our bodies, I could feel how my body just pressed itself a little closer, how he reacted by intensifying the kiss, I was plastered to his body, wanting to get away but paralyzed by desire and shock. Saying he had me at hello would be a lie, but I was his for this moment and hours to come.

Minnen och jag

Lyssna på det här, det är riktiga LP-skivor, hon skrattade samtidigt som en kvinna med röst raspig  började sjunga på franska. 
Det var första gången, men inte sista jag hörde Edith Piaff. Vi lyssnade ofta på Edith Piaff, jag spenderade min sommar som 15-åring sovandes i en sjöstuga tillsammans med en salig blandning av misfits. Det var som om vi alla hade hittat hem på samma gång. Vi var alla rotlösa, ensamma och lite trasiga på olika sätt, utanpå eller inuti. Jag var lycklig för första gången på år, jag vågade lite mer, vi drack änglagård yoghurt rätt ur förpackningen och skrattade högt åt varandra. Vi vara alla vegetarianer utom Fia, som tyckte det verkade onödigt. Jag var den enda oskulden och var väldigt mycket ointresserad men intresserad. Jag ville vara kär, men vågade inte. Jag somnade tätt intill andra personer natt efter natt. Jag tror att min politiska tillhörighet var någonstans på lagomt vänster, jag trodde på den goda mänskligheten. Vi läste utdrag av det kommunistiska manifestet och ibland fick vi munhuggas med vänner som var stalinister. Jag fann Emma Goldman och läste säkert hennes biografi 10 ggr. Jag var fascinerad över hennes liv, över hennes dedikation och mitt i denna villervalla var sommaren över, och jag hade fortfarande inte lyckats göra mig av med min oskuld men jag hade hunnit röka gräs mer än en gång och plockat svamp med en 10år äldre blandmissbrukare. 

Andetag

Jag andas in och du andas ut

Våra hjärtan dunkar i olika rytm.

Dina andetag mot min kind

Min kropp mot din

Mina andetag mot din kind

Mina läppar mot dina

Hela världen står i brand

Jag somnar 

och vaknar för att falla in i dina armar

Snowflakes and me

I am always so taken aback by the city, how we each day pass each other, we look away, we let our sight slide. I sometimes meet someone's eyes, our eyes meet and I wonder "What are your thoughts. Where are you going and why?"

I walk in the city and it rains, and I long for the clean rain  and not the kind  that now trickles down my face. The rain is warm and the air is humid and I feel everything, but clean. The wine from last night is still in my bloodstream and I have regrets, but I don't have regrets. I often tell myself I have to live a little, and I guess that is what I'm doing, prodding the streets of Brooklyn and living a little.

The city is an adventure, a manmade wilderness and with my body on the line I walk in the darkness, I don't hail a cab as long as I can walk. I get the catcalls so often I don even hear them, according to many men I'm "snowflake". And maybe I'm a snowflake, I just want to melt away, become a part of the rain and just disappear down the East River, flow past the Staue of Liberty and I wonder if she ever misses her homeland. If I was a snowflake I would not want to fall in the city, I'd fall on a glacier and be forever frozen in time, with a timeless memory until I'd break of into the ocean 

YOu scare the living crap out of me

I thread lightly, I think I have fallen for you.

I escaped myself, and found you

You re a man, every inch of you is a man.

I don't care, I want you, because you are you.

I will hold onto you and I will not let go.

there is wine and there is gin

I drank for courage
I drank to talk

I looked into your eyes
and fell silent

I told you I kiss you
and I did

You kissed me back

And then you walked away

hold my hand all the way

i know you are not that person
not at all
I still can't help it
I'm drawn to you
so drawn

Did it all start here?

They are about 11 years old, she is tall for her age, all the boys make fun of her, and she fight them off or she hides in the libarary. She loves the libarary, the smell of books makes her calm, she escapes the world on the pages of great masters. She has been around the world on the back of Victor Hugo, Jules Verne and even some perverted pre-historical love with Jean M. Auel.  Her  best friends are no longer best friends,  they have new best friends, that are prettier, they stick their heads together, whisper and giggle. She doesn't really know how to giggle or what there is to giggle about, she always felt quite hopeless. She had her mother take her and get her ears pierced to fit in, it was painful, and her father got her little gold studs to replace the plastic ones. 
The older boys had some respect for her, she fought hard and quick. She didn’t really care about the bruises, some thought she might be a little crazy. It was only the words that would hurt her "You are ugly"  “No boy will ever like you”
She still sometimes would imagine what it would be to have one of the boys come up to her an slip her a note saying “I like you, you wanna be my girlfriend”. She read epic love stories, she did hate Jane Austen. Her mother told her she was beautiful, but that is a mothers job. Her father told her it was ok to be tall, lanky, men liked that too, but he also told her that women was a little dumber and she always had to be a good girl.

She was a good girl, she did everything right and her mother told her that one day everone would grow up, and it be different then. 

Maybe was it here it all began?

She's 14 and she's in love, there is no time for her and no food for her. She does good in school and she hates all the other kids in her school all they care about is their 500 dollar handbags and to have the right sort of clothes. She doesn't care. She listens to music, it's angry and demanding, she falls in love and begs her mother for contact lenses. She's angry and demanding. She comes home and all she wants is a hug, her apartment is lonely, her mother with her stepdad and her stepbrother so amazingly normal, they just fit in. She's about to change the world.

She is full of bad decisions, she always is, she works extra at her stepdads work, calling media, asking if they got media packages about the upcoming Youth Global Awareness event. She works the event, and it's at the Naturla Historic Museum, she's the 14 year old intern, she helps out with a little of everything.

She sees the rest of the kids, and they just aren't like her, even when she tried she didn't fit in. She never did. Feeling different is always there, she has a hole in her heart.

Who is at fault? Is it her fault...

She's at the local bar in the semi-small town she lives in, she doesn't really know anyone, but she lives there, and her family is far away. She just turned 17, she learned  one thing a long time ago, she is shy, she was maybe pretty, but in some odd way she had manage to make friends in the past two months and they seem to think she was cool. She looked around for the friends she had gone to the bar with, the others with the fake ID's and her they hadn't even carded, she never was, she always looked older.  Earlier that night some guy had hit on her, it did really make her excited, but she laughed at him, she wasn't sure if it was a joke, she wasn't a very attractive girl. Her hair short, her body lanky and always dressed in baggy jeans and washed out shirts and hoodies. Now her partners in crime where gone, the girls that earlier had told her how much fun she was and the guys she had drunkenly skated to the bar with. She shrugged and felt that pang of sudden loneliness. 
Her head was spinning and she just wanted to go home, the music was terrible and she didn’t live far way. . She didn't want to be in the loud bar, she didn't want those people around her. She just wanted to be gone,
She started to look for her skateboard, but it was nowhere to be found, maybe one of the guys had grabbed it for her. She just couldn't care, she just felt the world whirling and all she wanted was to get out and go home. A guy grabbed her, and she shook her head and told him to get off her, she left the bar while wrapping her jacket around her.  She decided on the shortcut through some bushes, and her foot got caught and she fell down. The ground damp and she laughs at herself for being such a clutz.
 She feels her ankle hurting and she grabs the bush to get up, just to fall down again. October nights are dark in the north, there still isn’t any snow in the air, but she can smell it, the cold that soon will be over them. She wish it was snowing and the snow slowly would cover her, tuck her in. Once again she tries to stand up to get startled by a voice above her, she rolls around in the shrubs.
“Do you need some help” a voice asks her, a guy looks down on her, his voice is almost laughing. She must look like a little troll, or in her case, a lanky good ol' troll. She can take care of herself, she knows that and tries, he still helps her up and her steps are unsure. Girl, I'll give you some help, where do you live? He sounds concerned and look slightly familiar, maybe from the bar.
She points him towards her house, it's not far, and he tells her to lean on him and slowly he walks her home, her ankle hurting. She comes with and for some reason she trusts him, his grip on her is firm and she’s just so tired.  They find her apartment building and she finds her keys, opens the door to the apartment and she walks in. He walks after her, he follows her to her room and he kisses her and she shakes him off, she says thank you, thanks for being there. Her bed is right there, and she wants to lay down, so she lays down, her clothes are damp and she drifts of.
She wakes up, and she's almost naked, and she shrugs, she’s cold, she feels nausea, the tequila shots are catching up, and she  is not alone. He's panting, she can feel his excitement, her limp body slowly reacts, she want to reject, she crosses her legs and all she can think is why and no, she whispers no. He's now praying her legs apart, mumbling something she can't hear. She's so confused. She can feel him, and she just drifts away, she's not really there, she never was, she doesn't know.  

She can feel him breath beside her now, and she is drifting away again and when she wakes up again she’s all alone.  In the bleak morning light he feels sore, ashamed and opens her journal. It's the last time she writes in her journal, before she gets into the shower and has breakfast. She's an idiot and she really doesn’t deserve anything.

Years later her boyfriend touches her and she screams, and she never let him touch her again, she never talks about it. She just rejects him, until he leaves her and she knows she's strong and she gets drunk and she sleeps with so many men she can't even count them, because it really doesn't matter, because it doesn't.  It never does leave anything but a sting. 

You don't get me and then I think you do

Just because you are all about the way we make our choices, that its all about the induvidual person, not being laden by the reality of what society once put upon us.

I am so scared - I just want to walk into your arms and stay there. It is warm there!

I really like you

How do I know, I don't and I probably never have. I reached out for him, but it's like he keeps an armlength away from me. Walk closer, I walk closer, and I just want to kiss him so bad. I don't dare to, I really don't... my shell has already cracked and I just can't cry, because i don't know what that would be like.

I banter with you, and I think that some of your views are completly wrong. I am still so darn attracted to you, I just wanna go in and make out with you, I wanna fal on the floor, with you, I want to wrap my arms and legs around you and just let it happen.

It just doesn't, I dont know what you are thinking, and I don't dare to take those steps. You have moved away from me already, and I don't dare to move back into it. Ever again... not even the liquid courage can help me at this point. I am lost! 

jävlar helvete jag vill bort och stanna

jag kan inte sova
insomnia
sådant är mitt liv

dagar som går
utan sömn

varm mjölk i glas

YES THAT IS HOW I REALLY FEEL

I want to put my hand on you, and I want to wrap my legs around you and I want to feel your sweaty body against mine.
I want to look into your eyes and I want to breath with you and I want to feel your hands on me, I do want you. I fucking want you here and now. I want you everytime I see you, and my heart skips halfabeat when my eyes lock into your eyes. I want to always be touching you, so I don't touch you at all. If I start, I can't stop.

I will have to be restrained. Please touch me, please hold me, please just wrap your arms around me. 

I AM BURNING UP INSIDE! 

I want to kiss you, so bad, I want to sit next to you and I just freaking wanna sleep with you. Maybe not forever, maybe just for now. But now is better than never! 

Jag kan inte sluta tänka på dig

I really can't stop thinking of you.
I just can't!
I try, I shrug you off...
And there you are, just popping up, being so freaking attractive.

FUCK THAT

All those feelings

Things might be true, and not at the same time, it's nt that much of a struggle. I say yes and I say no at the same time, I always get myself real confused.

I walk the streets of the world up and down, I learn something new each day, I am curious, but so many times I just don't dare to ask. I just stare... 

Dear Stupid boy

Damn you, I cnnot get you out of my head, i close my eyes and i think of you. I kindly ask you to get out of my head. Please... or dont... just freakng kiss me! Be that guy, step up and do it. What do you have to loose??

Damn you confuse me

I didnt know what to do
I snuggled up
I wanted to kiss you
but didnt dare

Is it really how I feel

Sometimes I wonder, is my feelings real, or are they just real right now. I think I feel too much, I feel all the things that fall int piecs and then I have to ask everyone to pick them up for me. It's to hard sometimes to be me. With that aid I'm quite sure it's hard for you to to be you sometimes. 

Imaginärt kärleksbrev

Kära G,

Du är fantastiskt, även fast du aldrig svarar på mina kärleksbrev, fulla av eftertanke och känslosvall. Det kan förstås hända att jag aldrig riktigt skrivit ett, men jag har tänkt tanken, mer än en gång. Och det sägs ju att en gång är ingen gång och fler gånger är en vana... så jag har helt enkelt nu en vana av att skriva kärleksbrev till dig. Jag hoppas att du en dag skall svara.

För att fortsätta så vill jag ge dig min fulla uppmärksamhet, ibland när jag ser dig så hoppar mitt hjärta till, ibland när jag sitter mittemot dig så tittar jag upp och ler. Jag tänker att vi är från olika planeter och du har ingen aning om att jag faktiskt är attraherad av dig. Jag undrar vad du skulle tänka/tycka om du visste. Om du visste att jag ibland fantiserar om att vara med dig, om att bara ligga bredvid dig och vända mitt ansikte mot dig och ta ett djupt andetag, känna din hud mot min. Du skulle nog tycka att jag var lite underlig, fast det tror jag redan att du gör.

Det är något med dig som får mig att undra, att undra hur det skulle vara att hålla kvar den där kramen som jag får när vi ses. Hur det skulle vara att somna nära dig, det skulle vara tryggt tror jag, att vakna upp och låta mina händer vandra. Jag undrar ibland hur din röst låter precis när du vaknar och om du alltid är sådär sansad. Blir du som jag ledsen och gråter, och när jag gråter skulle du bara krama mig och låta mig gråta?

Ok, nu skrev jag iaf en sorts kärleksbrev som jag aldrig kommer att skicka, och det är nog lika bra. Men det är fint att veta att du finns och att jag har trånat lite efter dig i sådär två år och tänkte fortsätta med det i några år till. För du verkar vara sådär fruktansvärt hyvens, sådär som jag tycker om, samtidigt som du alltid verkar vilja något.

You told me I would never lose you, we love to tell those little things, that you will never stop loving me, I like to belive it, I like to hope that is true. You say that you don’t belive there to be only one person, I am not sure I do either, but I belive in you and me now. I know it’s far apart, I know you don’t think that you have explored, that there are so many other things out there. You might be right, and it kills me to see you go, because you are the one for me right now. The one I want to explore the world with, the one I want to have this adventure with. The adventure of the life we live, the adventure of life, I want to explore China, Australia and New Zealand with you. I want to kiss you under a waterfall on a tropical island and I want to hold your hand in Colorado. I want to be there for you when you feel like the world is falling apart and I want to be there for you when the sun is shining.

Can it just be us for now? 

To my free bird - soaring away in the sky

This is that one loveletter I am going to write, and I am assuming it will be epic. I skated along and when I met you, I didn’t know that I would love you. I knew I was attracted to you, your eyes were locked into mine and I just couldn’t bring myself to look away, I couldn’t bring myself to not follow you. And you made it so easy to follow, you were irresistable and you followed me.
First time we kissed I burnt from the inside out and I wanted you there and then. To be cheesy, an eternal flame was lit, and it burns for you, still then I didn’t know I was going to love you.

I came to you and you came with me, and we had adventures, you made me laugh, and I made you laugh, and you made me cry, and we tried to guess each others thoughts and we talked, and we talked and I started to know that I loved you, but I didnt say so. To be loved is something epic and to love is amazing, and your voice made my heart sing and I closed my eyes and built dreams. There were unicorns, yorts and rollerskates, there were travels and there was epic sex... and there was a fairytale, because I wrote a song as I went. I still didn't know I was going to love you.

As a bard from a long gone tale, I wrote a ballad of an adventure that I didn't want to end. A song in my heart that became a melody and a beat.  I was hoping for a comedy, not a tragedy, I don't approve. Time was passing and your hands made my body burn and my tale feverish, still I never said that I loved you and nor did you. I think we both knew and there was only time to tell. 

So that one night, we sat in the car, and you had your warpaint on and we were all serious and you said you loved me, so matter of fact, but that you didn’t know if you were in love with me. I opened my mouth, and I said I loved you, and I knew it was the end of the beginning, I loved you, my heart was so exposed, I just couldn’t stand the thought of losing you.

I love you and I wish that you could see the adventure that would unfold ahead of us, how we could go that extra mile together and how my blisters would hurt less with you and your wings would never burn. YOu just coudln't see it, you couldn't feel it.

I fell real hard this time, I fell back to earth when it was calling and I hurt myself. Food had no taste and the dreams would not let me in. I walked aimless and my bones are broken and the sky so far away.

Maybe this wasn’t that epic loveletter I meant to write, maybe I just feel so much I just can’t put it down in print, maybe it’s just what it is… I love you, and nothing can change it! I know, those words are big... but it's the truth!  

vem är jag

det är en fruktansvärt bra fråga
ibland är jag tvärsäker
ibland önskade jag att någon kunde berätta för mig

I am confused

I am so confused, beyond what I have ever felt before. 

Jag älskar dig

Jag har älskad di sedan dag ett, jag tänker på dig ständigt, jag har t.o.m. sagt det till dig. Ändå lever vi våra liv parallellt och låtsas som om vi inte vet om varandras känsklor.

you are always on my mind

I hurt because I care

I want to grab you, push you against the wall, push my body so tight, kiss you, make you moan, I want to hold you, caress you, and almost violently kiss you, I want to feel you ontop and under me, I want you to take my breath away. I want to be like a cheesy rockballad and I want our heart to beat fast to the rythm of something zesty.
I want to taste you, I want to smell you, and I want your eyes on me and your fingers inside. I can't stop thinkinbg of your sweat with my sweat and minutes turning into hours of just being with you.

I MISS YOU, and that makes me cry

Funny how it works with timing

Once upon a time I met you, it was a whirlwind of unicorns, of me being insecure, in love and wanting to be with you. It was a long time ago, I wanted to be everythign you needed, I was hanging at your every word. You said jump, and I did. You broke my heart, you didn't just break it, you stomped on it and went on with life. you got someone hotter, straighter and different, somone that wasn't me.
I must admitt, you left me a littel crazy, and with a heart hurting so bad I spun out of control, you were that one person I acctually thougth I could marry, that I could spend the rest of my life with. I was dumb, you were still hung up on your ex, you were in transition, you wanted to party and make out with everyone, and I was just a pretty face in your life. I walked behind you and picked up pieces of your drunk ass, I paid your way and I truly loved you because I saw the greatness in you, what we could have been. I did see somethign that never became, adn you left me and I cried. LOTS!
Today, we talked, out of the blue we talked, and you said you wanted to reconnect, it has been eight years, I don't know if that be good, in any sort of way. You own a house you are selling, you date straighter girls than I do, and you probably think I'm still that insecure girl that worshipped you. I'm not... and I wonder, if we would have met now, would we fall in love, if we didn't have history, would we fall into each others arms?
Woudl you pick me up and run away with me, like you did that first time we met? 

the L-word

we don't say that we love each other, but I do love you.
The way my hand hold your, is the way I tell you I love you.
I hope you can see the love in my eyes, because it is there.
You chew on your fingers when you are nervous, or anxious, or anything.
I cry, my eyes fill up with a resovoir of water, and tears slowly find their ways down my cheeks... I cry because it's in me, I feel lonley withour you.

I think we protect ourselves byt not saying that we love each other, but if you leave me, it will still hurt as much as if I had said I love you, because I do love you.

The other night I laid awake next to you, and I whispered into your sleeping ear, "I love you". I don't think you heard it, and you don't have to hear it, because I know you know, that I know, that we both know.

I reach my hand out for you, and you take it, and I skip and you laught at me, it should be so much easier, I should just get to fall asleep next to you! I just want to love you, be by your side, boost you and kiss you.

All I know is that I don't know

How do you know, sha has asked me several times, and the answer is that I don't know, I don't, but I do know at the same time. I know that I feel just right with her, that I can't stop smiling after she kissed me. I just know that I feel so comfortble with her and that I can't help myself but long for the feeling of her skin against me.

She is what she is, and I am what I am.

Her eyes follows me when I walk around the room, I know she likes me, we both just like each other, even if the warmth in our words and in the touch speaks of love.