Another year has passed

They say things are supposed to get easier with time, I am not sure that is true.

I constantly come back to the same thing, that I have been in love with the same person for over three years now and I have to let go...

Letting go is not easy, it is not. But I have to make this decision because they don't want to fight for what we can have, they just don't want to fight for something that would be the best thing in their lives.

I cannot stay around and be a provider, an endless well of love, my well is running dry, I have to go.

I am sad and it is hard to walk away from something that you love, but you know it will be for the better.  Ican't carry the love on for both of us.

She stood on the top of the building, her mind was searing, her thoughts scattered. She had a feeling like she had lost something, something that was really dear to her. She let her body slump down against the chimney, she was very aware of how she got there, she had climbed the ladder that was on the side of the building. She was scared of heights, but she was driven by a force inside of her, to get away.

The buzzing of the city, that she was in the middle of, did her little good, she could appreciate the city for what it was but she could never all it home. It was a place, but not a home. 

The sun was rising and she felt how her face was slowly thawing, how the tears that were frozen in her eyes where slowly running down her face.

 She felt tired, she was tired of running, she wanted to go back to bed, to the warm man that was sleeping inside. Let her limbs relax and feel that tranquility she always felt next to him.  Feel his arms wrap around her, the softness of his skin, drawing her closer, that visceral feeling that she was safe, that she could stay. His hands softness against her skin and his breath against her neck. Sometimes she would wake up in the middle of the night and look at him, turn her face against his. Just wait for the sleep to catch up with her while wondering if he knew how she felt, and sometimes she thought he did. Sometimes she almost had let the words slide out, she once did, but maybe he was too drunk to remember, or he choose to never mention it.

But she couldn’t, because he wasn’t alone, someone else was in his bed, sleeping next to him, her arms wrapped around him, their naked bodies emptied out.  A condom wrapper on the floor.

Her thoughts interrupted by a car honking. The sun now flowing over the city that was waking up, she gazed towards the horizon, and she thought she could see mountains, calling for her in the distance. She took a deep breath, it was time to leave, she climbed down, walked into the room, quietly, took her backpack. Looked at the sleeping man wrapped up in his own dreams.

She put her boots on and started walking, the mountains had been calling for too long now and she sort of knew the way. 

The landscape around her changed, the mountains rolled around her, and the glaicers glimmered at the horizon. She set down camp by a lake, resting her head on the roots of the knotted roots of birches, breathing in the scent of moss and campfire. If it was late she couldn't tell, the sun was still far from setting. She fell asleep, and when she woke up, she was wrapped in his arms, and his hand rested on her hand.

His eyes met hers, and he just simply said. "I missed you" and she fell asleep again.

words: Searing, tranquility, visceral

Situation: having never lost more

She stood on the top of the building, her mind was searing, her thoughts scattered. She had a feeling like she had lost something, something that was really dear to her. She let her body slump down against the chimney, she was very aware of how she got there, she had climbed the ladder that was on the side of the building. She was scared of heights, but she was driven by a force inside of her, to get away.

The buzzing of the city, that she was in the middle of, did her little good, she could appreciate the city for what it was but she could never call it home.

The sun was rising and she felt how her face was slowly thawing, how the tears that were frozen in her eyes where slowly running down her face.

 She felt tired, she was tired of running, she wanted to go back to bed, to the warm man that was sleeping inside. Let her limbs relax and feel that tranquility she always felt next to him.  Feel his arms wrap around her, the softness of his skin, drawing her closer, that visceral feeling that she was safe, that she could stay. His hands softness against her skin and his breath against her neck.

But she couldn’t, because he wasn’t alone, someone else was in his bed, sleeping next to him, her arms wrapped around him, their naked bodies emptied out. A condom wrapper on the floor.

So she climbed down, walked into her garden, let her feet sink into the soft cold soil and turned her face towards the sun.

Later that day when he watered the garden he saw that the sunflowers had wilted.

I don't know

Acctually written late december 2015

I can honestly say I don't know where we are going, I don't know how many times i have told you how I feel about you. I want to be with you. There have not been anyone else since I met you that have made me feel the way I feel about you. There been short romances, short hot feelings that left me pretty cold.

It soon has to come to an end, it have hurt me from the inside out, but I haven't been able to give up.
The way I feel when I sleep with your arms around me, the way I feel when you smile at me, the way I feel when you look at me, the way I feel when you hold my hand. Those feelings chase all that away.

Still I don't trust you, not yet, I don't trust you and it sucks, I just can't trust you. I used to really trust you. You told me you would be there for me when I needed you. You left me when I needed you the most, you ran into other arms, but can I blame you. I can blame that she used it to pierce my heart, to leave me bleeding on the ground and you did nothing. That I blame you for. I blame you for not telling me about it. I blame you for not keeping me safe.

My friends, even your friends have told me to let go, that I am just hurting myself, that you are to emotionally unavailable, that you are just stringing me along. That you like the attention, that you like having me, but not having me. And they are probably all right. Still I have this lingering feeling that it would be the mistake of my life and I would spend the rest of my life regretting it.

I was the safest in your arms. We never had the opportunity to really be who we are, even if we did. The city diminish us, it stresses us out, it shrinks me from running wild on the fields. To roll a round in the snow. I am so attracted to you, I've spent countless nights next to you, feeling how my blood running hot for you. Not wanting anything but to kiss you. Maybe I should have, but I had settled for being your friend, becasue I could not bear the thought of loosing you. Ever...

 I know I am bad at asking for things, you told me to ask, and you promised and you didn't deliver. I tried not to ask for things, becasue I wanted you to want to do things for me. Not because I asked you, I wanted for you to miss me, not just repeat it back to me like a parrot.
 I will see you in a month, it makes me happy and gives me a feeling that I want to throw up.

We all have those fantasies about walking into each others arms, to meet at the airport and see each other with tears. It's what happens in movies... and hey, you are in movies...  I don't think we will, I am pretty sure that it will be an awkward moment of "should we kiss, should we hug or what should we do". I don't think we have any clue what we are to each other.

And to be honest I am not even sure I know, I want you to be with me, and I want you to touch me, I want to sleep next to you and I want you to be so close to me that your heart beats with mine. I want to kiss you and then look into you eyes, and feel the shivers of pleasure it sends down my spine. I want to dress up and look pretty for you and I want to roll around in the snow with you. I want to garden and have you quietly watch me. I want to lay and in bed and just listen to you work. I wanna go camping and be naked in a tent with you. I wanna go skiiing and compete. I wanna snowboard and show off... I want to share adventures and times with you.

Will it happen? I dont know! I dont know at all!

Trust

I want to trust you
for you to be my knight in shining armour...
Please help me with this one, please be mine.
Stand up for me, fight for me.

I didnt ask for this

I don't know if we ever ask for anything
You are always on my mind, just a little bit

I don't know, I can't let you go, I told you I would.
And you pulled med back in... again and again.

I want to talk to you, and only you.

YOU are the one I love, and I don't love easily.
Since that first time I stod in that garden and I looked into your eyes.
I can't let you go, and you can't let me go.

If you don't want this, please let me go... because I will be waiting the rest of my life if you don't say it's over. I know I should regain control, stay on top of it all. But I can't, maybe I don't want to, but you are to precious to me, you are to much in my heart.

I am a fool

I kow I am

I cant give up on you
Maybe soon, so soon

One day the thought of you will drift away

A letter better not sent

It's like mourning a loss that was never a loss because it never happened, but we both wanted it.
The grief of memories never created and my own thoughts ripped apart by reality. I always hoped that if you wanted something enough, it would happen, and it was so close that I could taste it. 
Once upon a time there was a movie called Reality Bites, and when it came out, I never got the word play, my English wasn't good enough. I hope it's a word play, or I'm probably sounding stupid now.
But the bits of reality bites, and the nights are still dark, but summer comes with the never setting sun, and I wanted that to shine, on you and me.
 And I think about last year, when I almost told you, and I didn't dare, or months before that when I cried into a salad and didn't tell you, or when I tried to kiss you and you asked me why, and I didn't tell you, I played it off. You must have known, didnt you? I almost spoke the words that time when I woke up with your arms around me, and I didn't tell you,nor that time when you asked me to stay with you, and I did. Or those two weeks in May when I didn't stay with you because I knew I didn't dare to tell you and I was scared to get hurt.  And now reality just bites, because I knew that day I walked into your place and that girl was there, that it was to late.
 I was gonna tell you on that trip, that weekend, I had planned it out. I could tell you had already slept together, she owned you, circled around you, and you invited her to come. Your roommate hugged me.  And you posed in photos with her, made her bed and I cried into my beer and it was awkward.
And I told you, and you let a month pass, and I waited and then said yes, and then you didn't wanna fight, you ran back to that girl, because it was easy. And it bites, bits and pieces bites, so hard right then. She told me and I cried into a field and you didnt talk to me. You told me you always be there for me if I really needed you. You said she meant nothing, that I was so much better. I hate hate hate that I can't sleep because I'm thinking of you and that so delightful plastic doll that I know you like more than you will ever tell me. Smiling so perfect, doing the same things as you, being able to be and go wherever you go. I can't even hate her because she's your friend, and she's a mean girl, she will wrap all the guys around her fingers, and that first time I met her, on my hometurf, I had already lost.
But at least I put up a fight, I finally told you... and I know it is not only her, it is you who didnt choose me, and it is you who decided to roadtrip with her instead of seeing me. You tell me you just don't have the time and I understand, and I still dream of a miracle, that you will wake up, and see what we could be. At least to try, if we fail we know we have failed.
Now it is just you and me, friends on fire in a vacuum that kills me. 

love you no matter what

I don't really care, my friends think I am an idiot
But it is not about that
I have this feeling about you
That we are supposed to be in each others life
I know you don't believe in things like those
But I do

I cant stop thinking

I know I am annoyig, I am even annoying myself.
I know you dont want to fight for this, and it makes me sad.
You are the most important person in my life, I love you.
I do!
I would have done anything for you!
I would have followed you to the end.
I would have stood by your side, whatever anyone else woiuld have said.

You are always on my mind, and the fact that I am not.
Just means that we are not at the same spot.

I should have chosen smarter, I should have not let you into my heart.
You did crush my heart.
And it is still healing and missing you!

You will always have a special place in my heart!
Trust me! Just trust me!

I would never do anything to hurt you! 

When I walked in

I still miss you
I think I maybe always will
Maybe I just miss that what could have happened
Maybe I know it would have been botched

I dont know

I am feeling better about it

Life is not normal

My life may never become normal

It has never been normal

I dont think you understand how much pain you are causing me, because if you did, I hope you would stop.
YOu chose her over me, over and over... I once trusted you so dearly, I was confident to share anything with you, almost, except for how I felt about you.
Now, I'm scared everytime I hear from you, that you have changed your mind, that you will break anohter promise.
I hear in your voice that you miss me, but you can't give her up. So she wins everytime... she once told me it's not a competion, and it's not. She just get to keep you, and I'm your second choice, I am just not as good.
I am better... 

How I care

You my dear,

You are the one I think of, I do, I freaking can't give up on that, you are the one and only. Other pass me by, I go on dates, occasionally I kiss someone. And then I miss you...
All I think of is that one kiss, in that narrow bed at the homestead. You turned over and kissed me, I had longed for that moment for so long. Every moment in my life, I felt at ease, I felt like it was all coming together.
Quiet woods in the shadow of a glacier, and with my thoughts elsewhere I trampled right into a wasps nest. I wanted to cry out loud, but instead I leaped away when I felt the burning stings from the creatures whom's home I by mistake had invaded with my big foot, that I usually put in my mouth...
You looked at me and told me we better get out of here before we get stung. I nodded and sat in the car with razor sharp pain running up my leg.
We held hands while you were driving, I was in a cloudy state, I did not know what to say. My leg hurting so much from the damn wasp stings, and I didn't want to complain. I felt fragile, I was so scared, my heart just had cracked open, and you were pouring in.
We went to a yak farm, and I wanted to see more, but I also wanted to be with just you.
That night I slept so close to you, I felt your body so close to me, and i wanted to do so much more than just sleep there, but I just couldn't.
I was shy.
I curse every moment that you and me could have shared, that we didnt, because we are so set in our own ways. I want to kiss you, I want to fall asleep in your arms, and I want your naked skin pressed against my skin.
I want to touch every inch of you, I want to kiss your lips, I want to wake up next to you, and I want to take your hand, climb a tree, set a tent, grow a sunflower and love you til the end of times.

cold water

I am always so taken aback by the city, how we each day pass each other and still do not have a single idea of the people we surround ourselves with our. I sometimes meet someone's eyes, our eyes meet and I wonder what's your thoughts. Where are you going and what is your motivations? 
I walk in the city and it rains, and I long for the clean rains, and not the kind of rain that now trickles down my face. The rain is warm and the air is humid and I feel everything but clean, the last glass of wine from last night is still in my bloodstream and I regret and don't regret it at the same time. I often tell myself I have to live a little, and I guess that is what I'm doing, prodding the streets of Brooklyn and living a little.

The city is an adventure, a manmade wilderness and with my body on the line I walk in the darkness, I don't hail a cab as long as I can walk. I get the catcalls so often I don even hear them, according to many men I'm "snowflake". And maybe I'm a snowflake, I just want to melt away, become a part of the rain and just disappear down the East River, flow past the Staue of Liberty and I wonder if she ever misses her homeland. If I was a snowflake I would not want to fall in the city, I'd fall on a glacier and be forever frozen in time, with a timeless memory until I'd break of into the ocean

How to become alone

I’ve become more and more of a recluse. I dream of a house by the foot of a mountain, with a horse (I really don’t know where the horse comes in, but I think I would like it, I am pretty good at riding, and riding in the snow and woods is the best ever). I just want to sit there and write and go on adventures. Have some clients in a nearby city. Pick berries and mushrooms in the fall, just cook and have an open fire and watch the Nordic lights in the winter. I want a garden of sunflowers, vegetables and herbs and I think I want a kid. I still want to travel, I want to go back to Tibet, I want to see Japan since I have never been, I always thought I would like to surf, but I like the thought more than I actually like surfing itself. I am not much of a beach person. I like it, but if I get to pick where to go, it will always be alpine. I guess I will never complain if I have to go to the beach, it just is not the kind of nature I love and adore. I just started running, done some trailrunning, I want to get a mountainbike, I wanna start biking on trails again. It has been so long, and I will probably suck… I also want to enjoy more crosscontryskiing and winter camping. 

the truth

I am still completely dysfunctional in relationships. I even tried to date girls for quite a while, the male sexuality just scared the living crap out of me.  I just can’t tell anyone, because I just feel like I am gonna be judged, and I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me, it’s not what I want. I don’t know what I want. Since I haven’t really told anyone, I don’t know how anyone would react, I don’t want pitty. I think some of the people I’ve dated have had hunches and I just haven’t been able to say anything. I mean, I did get drunk and stupid, I sort of set myself up, and still I can’t help the way I sometimes react to touch, closeness and intimacy. I am complicated already. Most partners react with some sort of anger and that makes it even worse and don’t have the patience to listen to me. I had years when I didn’t let anyone touch me. It made it easier. Still I like company, I would like a partner, someone to enjoy quietness with, someone that just accept me for who I am. Someone that doesn’t take advantage of me being really kind and caring. 

Assaulted

I was on the way home from the bar, my friends left me there. I was 17. And I fell on the way home trying to take a shortcut, through some bushes, some guy helped me home and into my room and I passed out in my bed, I woke up with him on me and he was gone in the morning. 

 I went to High School four hours away from my hometown, I never told anyone because I was ashamed. 

Intimacy scared me after that, but I didn’t ever want to tell anyone. I still to this day have not told anyone, and I have no clue why I am telling you. For a long time I could just only feel comfortable with intimacy if I was intoxicated, and I’ve ruined relationships by stiffening up by touch… I just got tougher and tougher, plowing through. 

Red haired boy

My first boyfriend, if you don't count the first guy I kissed in 7th grade was "The Red Haired boy" and he was about 3 years older than I was. I know he was old enought to get into the bars, and I was far from. 
But I was not very emotionally mature, I was socially awkward and pretty. My parents were in the middle of a divorce figuring their lives out and I was left to figure myself out.

I was excited when he talked to me, I had just turned 16 and a raging feminist with a hole inside, I was lost in a world of so many words. He was a part of the organization I was in, he was one of the cool ones, he knew everyone and everyone knew him. He had been in fights and at riots, he knew the others that I didn't. I already from my previous encounters had a thought that maybe I wasn't very sexy, that maybe I wasn't very exciting. Next to Fifi anyone would be nothign but a danelion, she was a perfect rose. But I was a rebel, and I could talk quick and I could be hardshelled, I knew how to be hardshelled, if I knew. And he talked to me, and his hair was red, and he kissed me and said I was beutiful and that he wanted to be with me. I red al the right books and I tried to be all the things he wanted me to be, but I could never be like his first love Jenny. He would tell me about when they met, how they were locked up in a room and tried all the sex, and how amazing it was to explore, and I felt empty, I felt like I could never be like Jenny, because I wasn't. He would lay ontop of me, and I didnt feel anything, I did it because he wanted me to. If he wanted me to do it, I did it, and I watched TV while he was comming and calling out Jennys name.
He moved in with me, because his father kicked him out, he said I was the most amazing creature ever and then I wouldn't hear from him for days. He would come "home" with his friends, and we would listen to music, and I would go to my meetings, and I would fight and I would run, and I would write politacal speaches, and I would go to school and I always worried. He would leave drawing for me to come home to, it always made me smile, made me feel special.

 Long after I found out that he was doing drugs, that he was working his way past partydrugs to heavy druguse, he wrote me once when I was about 25 to tell me he was sorry. That he was coming off heroin, that he often thought about me. 

I always forgave him for everything, time after time, he stole money from me, cheated on me and would tell me that I just wasn't good enough if he was cheating on me.