I dont think you understand how much pain you are causing me, because if you did, I hope you would stop.
YOu chose her over me, over and over... I once trusted you so dearly, I was confident to share anything with you, almost, except for how I felt about you.
Now, I'm scared everytime I hear from you, that you have changed your mind, that you will break anohter promise.
I hear in your voice that you miss me, but you can't give her up. So she wins everytime... she once told me it's not a competion, and it's not. She just get to keep you, and I'm your second choice, I am just not as good.
I am better... 

How I care

You my dear,

You are the one I think of, I do, I freaking can't give up on that, you are the one and only. Other pass me by, I go on dates, occasionally I kiss someone. And then I miss you...
All I think of is that one kiss, in that narrow bed at the homestead. You turned over and kissed me, I had longed for that moment for so long. Every moment in my life, I felt at ease, I felt like it was all coming together.
Quiet woods in the shadow of a glacier, and with my thoughts elsewhere I trampled right into a wasps nest. I wanted to cry out loud, but instead I leaped away when I felt the burning stings from the creatures whom's home I by mistake had invaded with my big foot, that I usually put in my mouth...
You looked at me and told me we better get out of here before we get stung. I nodded and sat in the car with razor sharp pain running up my leg.
We held hands while you were driving, I was in a cloudy state, I did not know what to say. My leg hurting so much from the damn wasp stings, and I didn't want to complain. I felt fragile, I was so scared, my heart just had cracked open, and you were pouring in.
We went to a yak farm, and I wanted to see more, but I also wanted to be with just you.
That night I slept so close to you, I felt your body so close to me, and i wanted to do so much more than just sleep there, but I just couldn't.
I was shy.
I curse every moment that you and me could have shared, that we didnt, because we are so set in our own ways. I want to kiss you, I want to fall asleep in your arms, and I want your naked skin pressed against my skin.
I want to touch every inch of you, I want to kiss your lips, I want to wake up next to you, and I want to take your hand, climb a tree, set a tent, grow a sunflower and love you til the end of times.

cold water

I am always so taken aback by the city, how we each day pass each other and still do not have a single idea of the people we surround ourselves with our. I sometimes meet someone's eyes, our eyes meet and I wonder what's your thoughts. Where are you going and what is your motivations? 
I walk in the city and it rains, and I long for the clean rains, and not the kind of rain that now trickles down my face. The rain is warm and the air is humid and I feel everything but clean, the last glass of wine from last night is still in my bloodstream and I regret and don't regret it at the same time. I often tell myself I have to live a little, and I guess that is what I'm doing, prodding the streets of Brooklyn and living a little.

The city is an adventure, a manmade wilderness and with my body on the line I walk in the darkness, I don't hail a cab as long as I can walk. I get the catcalls so often I don even hear them, according to many men I'm "snowflake". And maybe I'm a snowflake, I just want to melt away, become a part of the rain and just disappear down the East River, flow past the Staue of Liberty and I wonder if she ever misses her homeland. If I was a snowflake I would not want to fall in the city, I'd fall on a glacier and be forever frozen in time, with a timeless memory until I'd break of into the ocean

How to become alone

I’ve become more and more of a recluse. I dream of a house by the foot of a mountain, with a horse (I really don’t know where the horse comes in, but I think I would like it, I am pretty good at riding, and riding in the snow and woods is the best ever). I just want to sit there and write and go on adventures. Have some clients in a nearby city. Pick berries and mushrooms in the fall, just cook and have an open fire and watch the Nordic lights in the winter. I want a garden of sunflowers, vegetables and herbs and I think I want a kid. I still want to travel, I want to go back to Tibet, I want to see Japan since I have never been, I always thought I would like to surf, but I like the thought more than I actually like surfing itself. I am not much of a beach person. I like it, but if I get to pick where to go, it will always be alpine. I guess I will never complain if I have to go to the beach, it just is not the kind of nature I love and adore. I just started running, done some trailrunning, I want to get a mountainbike, I wanna start biking on trails again. It has been so long, and I will probably suck… I also want to enjoy more crosscontryskiing and winter camping. 

the truth

I am still completely dysfunctional in relationships. I even tried to date girls for quite a while, the male sexuality just scared the living crap out of me.  I just can’t tell anyone, because I just feel like I am gonna be judged, and I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me, it’s not what I want. I don’t know what I want. Since I haven’t really told anyone, I don’t know how anyone would react, I don’t want pitty. I think some of the people I’ve dated have had hunches and I just haven’t been able to say anything. I mean, I did get drunk and stupid, I sort of set myself up, and still I can’t help the way I sometimes react to touch, closeness and intimacy. I am complicated already. Most partners react with some sort of anger and that makes it even worse and don’t have the patience to listen to me. I had years when I didn’t let anyone touch me. It made it easier. Still I like company, I would like a partner, someone to enjoy quietness with, someone that just accept me for who I am. Someone that doesn’t take advantage of me being really kind and caring. 

Assaulted

I was on the way home from the bar, my friends left me there. I was 17. And I fell on the way home trying to take a shortcut, through some bushes, some guy helped me home and into my room and I passed out in my bed, I woke up with him on me and he was gone in the morning. 

 I went to High School four hours away from my hometown, I never told anyone because I was ashamed. 

Intimacy scared me after that, but I didn’t ever want to tell anyone. I still to this day have not told anyone, and I have no clue why I am telling you. For a long time I could just only feel comfortable with intimacy if I was intoxicated, and I’ve ruined relationships by stiffening up by touch… I just got tougher and tougher, plowing through. 

Red haired boy

My first boyfriend, if you don't count the first guy I kissed in 7th grade was "The Red Haired boy" and he was about 3 years older than I was. I know he was old enought to get into the bars, and I was far from. 
But I was not very emotionally mature, I was socially awkward and pretty. My parents were in the middle of a divorce figuring their lives out and I was left to figure myself out.

I was excited when he talked to me, I had just turned 16 and a raging feminist with a hole inside, I was lost in a world of so many words. He was a part of the organization I was in, he was one of the cool ones, he knew everyone and everyone knew him. He had been in fights and at riots, he knew the others that I didn't. I already from my previous encounters had a thought that maybe I wasn't very sexy, that maybe I wasn't very exciting. Next to Fifi anyone would be nothign but a danelion, she was a perfect rose. But I was a rebel, and I could talk quick and I could be hardshelled, I knew how to be hardshelled, if I knew. And he talked to me, and his hair was red, and he kissed me and said I was beutiful and that he wanted to be with me. I red al the right books and I tried to be all the things he wanted me to be, but I could never be like his first love Jenny. He would tell me about when they met, how they were locked up in a room and tried all the sex, and how amazing it was to explore, and I felt empty, I felt like I could never be like Jenny, because I wasn't. He would lay ontop of me, and I didnt feel anything, I did it because he wanted me to. If he wanted me to do it, I did it, and I watched TV while he was comming and calling out Jennys name.
He moved in with me, because his father kicked him out, he said I was the most amazing creature ever and then I wouldn't hear from him for days. He would come "home" with his friends, and we would listen to music, and I would go to my meetings, and I would fight and I would run, and I would write politacal speaches, and I would go to school and I always worried. He would leave drawing for me to come home to, it always made me smile, made me feel special.

 Long after I found out that he was doing drugs, that he was working his way past partydrugs to heavy druguse, he wrote me once when I was about 25 to tell me he was sorry. That he was coming off heroin, that he often thought about me. 

I always forgave him for everything, time after time, he stole money from me, cheated on me and would tell me that I just wasn't good enough if he was cheating on me.